Wednesday, July 7, 2010

My Mother and Your Mother Went Out to Hang Clothes. My Mother Punched Your Mother Right in the Nose.

You know that old rhyme you used back in the third grade to decide who had to go kiss the nosepicker on the playground?

No? Hmm.

My mom visited over the weekend. Since she’s pretty much the most awesomely awesome mom ever, she took me on a $200 grocery shopping spree to kick off the long weekend. I stocked up on the basics, like hand soap and toilet paper, as well as a few things you never need ever, like Nutella (which I’m sorry to tell you I found in the fridge later that night, hard as a rock. I don’t know who put it in there, but I do know that a few seconds later I found myself in the throes of a spectacular temper tantrum which led to my taking a butter knife to the jar and eating the shavings with my fingers.)

Besides refusing to let me pay for anything the entire time she was here, she also replenished my dwindling supply of new audio books, without which I might die. I love my job, but most of what I do involves some form of data entry, so I have to occupy the other ninety-nine percent of my brain somehow. I know what you’re thinking. No one uses that much of their brain. Well you know what I say? Speak for yourself...unless you’re me, in which case you already know that you use your entire brain, which is what enables you to be so much smarter than everyone else. Also, you look super cute today.

On Sunday we went hiking. We brought Brutus because I like it when people compliment me on my dog as if I had given birth to him myself.

“Oh he is just beautiful!”

“Thanks. That’s probably why he cost so much.”

I know, I know. They’re just trying to be nice. But I’m just trying to be funny.

We went over to Helen Hunt Falls. It’s just like Seven Falls, except there’s just the one Fall and it doesn’t cost a zillion dollars a piece to get in. As we hiked, I became more and more astonished by some of the wardrobe choices people had made that day. I’d like to take a moment to give a few of them some advice.

To the Heiress of the Aqua Net Empire: I’m really not surprised that you fell down. Maybe next time you decide to explore the great outdoors, you’ll leave the kitten heels at home. If you had to scrape up your knees, at least you’ve still got your Jan Crouch impersonation going for you. (Google her; I’m begging you.)

To the Polyester Posse: I’m ok with the fact that each of you are wearing two full faces worth of makeup and spent over an hour of quality time with a curling iron this morning even though you knew you’d be doing a physical activity that would probably cause you to sweat. Your boyfriends are there, you want to look your best, whatever. I am not ok with the fact that your purple tube dress covers neither your front nor your back. People walk up AND down this trail...and there are children here for goodness sake. Speaking of which...

To the Adorable Little Girls Who Parked Next to Us and Stopped to Pet My Dog and Be Extra Lovable Each Time We Passed Each Other on the Trail: Keep on keepin on. Give me a call if anything ever happens to your parents and you need to be adopted.

Sunday night we tried to go to a fireworks show but it got rained out. It ended up being ok though, because we came home to find that the little punks across the alley who enjoy setting off fireworks regardless of the time of night, day, or year saved the good stuff for our own personal firework-viewing pleasure. So we all sat in my kitchen/on my back deck and enjoyed the free show while Brutus hid under the porch and peed himself because he thought the world was coming to an end.

Monday we pretty much just hung out and loved each other because we knew she had to leave Tuesday morning. My campaign to get her to move up here doesn’t seem to be going as planned, considering my dad refuses to visit between September and June in case it snows. But I’m not giving up.

This is where all of you come in. I need everyone who lives in Texas to start being really really mean to my parents so they’ll have no choice but to leave town. My mom won’t take much convincing, so you’re gonna need to focus on my dad. His weak spots are fishing and his flat screen. Maybe tell him that in an attempt to make some cutbacks, Texas has decided to cancel all professional sporting events indefinitely or that every lake in the DFW area has dried up due to a lack of life-giving snowfall as a start. I can’t afford to pay you, but I can afford to badmouth you all over the internet should you refuse to do my bidding.

In conclusion, I love my mom and I wish she lived closer to me. The end.


Ashley said...

haaaaaaaaaahahaha just googled jan crouch

Annjeri said...

Oh my gosh girl. You are hilarious! Umm, yes the "lovely girls who wear too little and doth paste too much on their faces" need to get a clue.