Status Quo

I’m just gonna jump right in here. Tell me if this looks familiar.

Tracy Jones thinks it's nice to find out who your TRUE friends are and who's just waiting to STAB YOU IN THE BACK THE SECOND YOU TURN AROUND. I'M TALKING TO YOU, GINA, YOU BACKSTABBING HOOKER.*

Now Tracy, let's think about this for a second. Aren't you Facebook friends with your second grade teacher, Mrs. Bingman? And your elderly neighbor, Mr. Fouts? Your mom? And, I don't know, your boss and all your coworkers?

Listen Trace...I don’t know how to say this, but I think maybe it’s time you and Facebook took a break. Tried seeing other people for a while. I don’t know what happened with Gina, but I’m sure Facebook feels really, really bad about it. You both need to heal before you can make this relationship work.

Love, All Your Friends Who've Hidden You From Their News Feed

Really, is this what our generation has come to? I mean, I know that back in high school I spent a ridiculous amount of my free time on AOL Instant Messenger talking trash to all my friends about how much I hated Dianna because she STILL hadn’t given me back the fifty cents she borrowed at lunch last week and hoping that cute boy from the football team would talk to and eventually marry me (so I guess in the end, it worked...even though I never did get that fifty cents back) but aren’t we supposed to be adults now?

Take my little cousin. Ten years old. Better at Facebook than most twenty-somethings. She puts up cute little age-appropriate statuses that say things like:

Peighton is going swimming! Yay!
or
Peighton would like a cookie!

Well who wouldn’t, Peighton? Who wouldn’t. P.S. You’re adorable.

What’s not so adorable is when I open up my home page to find that

A Random Girl I Went to Junior High With and Haven’t Spoken to Since GOT SOOOOOOO %$(@*& DRUNKK LST NIGHT! I CN’T RMEMBR NETHNG!

First of all, for Pete’s sake, turn your caps lock off. Secondly, get yourself a shower and a cup of coffee, and maybe stay away from your computer for a few hours, because in your current state I fear you’re likely to spill the coffee on your keyboard and open up another 99 Problems for yourself. Lastly, when it comes to updating your Facebook status, let’s operate on the theory that your mom was right when she told you that nothing good happens after midnight.


*I don't know why, but my initial reaction to things like this is always, "This ain’t MySpace! Facebook is where the classy kids hang out, so I’ll thank you to take your glittery hot pink background, that Nickelback song and those pictures of you posing half naked in front of your bathroom mirror somewhere else.”