Alexander Graham Bell Just Turned Over in His Grave (His Body’s Been Reanimated)

I’m due for an upgrade on my phone, so I’ve been browsing the AT&T website to see what kinds of free phones they can offer me.

I have to ask, am I the only person left on earth who isn’t looking for a pocket-sized supercomputer? Here’s what I want out of a phone: the capability to talk and text. That’s all.

I don’t need 24/7 access to my Facebook and email because I have a desk job, meaning I already have 40/5 access.

Let’s pause for a moment and acknowledge that that’s the worst joke I’ve ever made.

Need more time?

Ok, now you’re just being mean.

I don’t need a full QWERTY keyboard because I have no immediate plans to compose a lengthy work of literature on my cell phone. Also, my thumbs have enough fat days as it is. It’s okay, thumbs. Here, have a cheeseburger. That’s right. Stuff those feelings right down your little thumb gullet.

If Frustration and Malice got married and had a baby had an illegitimate lovechild outside of wedlock, I’m pretty sure its name would be Touchscreen.

I’m not gonna put any music on my phone because I don't want to make my iPod jealous.

I don’t think I’m prepared for 4G because I’m still not sure what 2G and 3G are. Was there ever just a 1G? Or did we just skip over that to make things more exciting?

Bluetooth? Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure I have a wool Bluetooth jacket.

Wow, one of these phones has a built-in pedometer. I really like to know how many steps it takes for me to get from the couch to the other side of the couch. You see, I never have to leave my living room anymore because when we bought the iPhone, iPad, and iPod, they threw in a free iPotty. (We use the iPad to prop up the uneven leg of our dining room table because we couldn’t figure out what else to do with it.)

“See friends' contact information linked together from online sources and social networks in the same view.” Stalker.

“Flip from one open app to another using the touchscreen and intuitive gestures.” While you’re at it, flip pancakes! This phone doubles as a spatula.

“Browse and talk at the same time thanks to AT&T's powerful 3G network.” DISCLAIMER: This feature works best if you are also driving and applying lipstick in the rear view mirror.

I had to close out of the AT&T website because I blacked out for a moment and awoke to find myself trying to choke my computer monitor. Looks like I’ll be sticking with my trusty LG Shine until the bitter end, because a mirror is an extra feature I can get behind – or better yet, in front of.