I Hate Everything

Just kidding! But you know what I sorta do hate? People who hate everything.

Are any of you perpetual haters out there reading this? No don’t leave! Could you just stick around for a second so I can ask you a few questions? Thanks. I promise not to throw food at you when I find out you told all your hipster friends how dumb my blog is. I just wanna know, does being too cool for school really work for you? Does it make people like you? Do you enjoy anything ever? How many nights per week would you say, on average, you cry yourself to sleep? Did somebody pop your balloon animal as a child?

You know what I do not hate? People who like stuff. Even more so when they venture so far as to get excited about stuff. The other day one of my Facebookquaintances put up a status about how much she enjoys reading the Twilight series. My gut reaction was to run across Facebook and throw my arms out in front of her to protect her from the onslaught of insults that was surely about to come her way. She should know better than to be telling people she liked those books! It’s embarrassing! But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I should be trying to be more like her. Didn’t I once enjoy reading that series? Yes, before I decided it wasn’t cool, I genuinely did. I think I spend so much time trying to be normal that I sometimes find myself being almost ashamed of the things I like. So at that moment, I made a decision to start being really honest with everyone about the things I like, and I felt really good about it. It was like I was entering a new frontier! I felt unique! I felt brave! And then this happened:

Me: I really like smiling.

Hater: SMILING IS STUPID.

Me: Well, I disagree...obviously...because I just said I really like it.

Hater: PEOPLE WHO LIKE SMILING ARE IDIOTS.

Me: Gosh, don’t you think that’s a little harsh?

Hater: PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT’S A LITTLE HARSH DESERVE TO BE BEATEN TO DEATH.

Me: Come on now, we’re friends; can’t we just respect each other’s opinions like adults?

Hater: NO! ONLY MY OPINION DESERVES RESPECT! RRRRAAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

...and I remembered why I started trying to pretend I was normal. I just want people to like me, and maybe not to get yelled at or called names for expressing my opinion.

But guess what haters! Are you still here? Oh there you are, brooding in the corner and pretending not to notice that I’m speaking to you. I’ve got some news for you: talking about how much everything sucks does not make you cool! In fact, it is far more likely to make someone want to punch you in the neck than to make them think you have superior, discerning taste. But all hope is not lost! You can still establish yourself as a person of impeccable taste; all you have to do is, instead of dumping on everything you think is bad, start pointing out things that are good...like this blog, for example. Tell all your friends how awesome this blog is and they will read it and see that you are right!

In short, telling people about my blog will probably result in the multiplication of the number of people on this earth who think you are awesome and the drastic decrease of the number of people who want to punch you in the neck.