Reality Rules

I’m not ashamed to tell you that I dabble in watching reality TV.

Ok, I’m slightly ashamed.

I try to stick to what I consider to be the classier variety, which includes Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model and So You Think You Can Dance. None of that For the Love of Ray J or Double Shot at Love nonsense. (Although, some girl I went to high school with was on that show once. Way to produce a star, Wylie, Texas!!! And when I say “star”, I mean “girl who claimed to be a model, added a couple extra x’s and y’s to her name to make it more ‘interesting’ and competed with a bunch of other girls and guys for the affections of a pair of bisexual twins – and lost.”)

Basically, I’m not big on watching a bunch of strangers make out in a hot tub.

But I really feel like for as long as reality shows have been coming on, these people should have learned a thing or two about how to behave by now. Sadly though, most of them haven’t.

Me to the rescue! I’ve prepared a short list of guidelines for anyone on a reality TV show.

Rule #1: Your grandma could be watching. Keep this in the back of your mind at all times.

Rule #2: Talking crap to the camera about every other person on the show will not improve your chances of winning. It will improve the chances that 10 million Americans will want to trip and/or spit on you as they pass you on the street.

Rule #3: What happens on TV stays on TV...forever! Sooner or later, your boyfriend IS going to find out you cheated on him!

Rule #4: Fight to win. Only get into a physical altercation if you’re 100% sure you can win. Nobody likes a wuss. Also make sure you don’t think you’re going to need a job ever again, because you won’t be able to get one. What am I saying? You’ll be famous! That girl from that one season of that show about making out in hot tubs! You can totally ride that out forever.

Rule #5: Stay out of the hot tub. I can’t stress this enough.

Now get on out there and make those wildly unrealistic dreams come true!