This Is How We Do It

And by "we"...I mean me.

Several of you have asked me recently, “Emily, how do you continue to come up with hilarious blog post topics, day after day, without ever sounding stupid or offending anyone?”

Oh, my dear, sweet fans. You have no idea how often I sound stupid and/or offend anyone. Also, the gifts are great, and I love Faberge eggs as much as the next guy, but if you insist on sending me gifts, please stick to cash. Nothing says “I love your blog” like cash.

But as to the rest, I’ll tell you how.

I start by doing whatever I want.

Then I write a hilarious blog post.

That was the condensed version. Now I’ll add a little water to fatten things up.

Unless there was a fire at my house the night before, most days I have no idea what I’m going to write about.

Back when I was new to the blog game, I used to get super stressed out when I couldn’t think of anything to write about. People won’t think I’m funny anymore! Which means no one will like me! AND THEN I’LL NEVER BE PROM QUEEN!

See, that didn’t even make any sense, but you laughed.

Over the course of the past three months, I've learned a thing or two about blogging, the most important of which is that NOBODY CARES what you write about, as long as it’s funny.

I could blog about eating pencil shavings as a fiber supplement and people would still read it. You know why? Because everyone is bored at work, that’s why.

So instead of stressing, I’ve come up with a new and exciting way of finding inspiration: doing whatever I want.

Maybe I’ll bubble spin* for a few hours, or maybe I’ll sit in my dark living room and watch three consecutive episodes of Felicity with my face way too close to the computer screen, because if I’m going to pay thousands of dollars for Lasik surgery someday – and I am – I might as well earn it by completely destroying my eyesight beforehand.

And then suddenly, an idea will just come to me.

Uh oh, looks like Felicity’s acting like a crazy stalker again...what else is new...STALKING! As in Facebook stalking! Oh I am gonna blog about that SO HARD.

Wow, these bubbles I’m spinning are really making me crave some Sixlets. Candy. Candy. Candy candy candy candy candy candy candy candy...maybe if I blog about candy, someone will give me some candy.

Cat appetizers?!?Well that's just blogdiculous!

Other days I cheat and just post a hilarious video I found on The Daily What. I try not to do this often, but what can I say? Some days you gotta dance. Or throw up. Neither of which are conducive to using a keyboard.

So now you know. I urge you to use your newfound knowledge for good, and not to start writing a blog that is funnier and/or cooler than mine, because then I’ll probably feel like a big ol’ dummy for telling you all my secrets.

P.S. I have a confession to make. I made that first part up about people asking me how I manage to stay so hilarious. But this is a prime example of what I’m talking about here! I was bubble spinning as usual, and I thought, "Hey, wouldn’t it be great if I pretended that lots of people think I’m awesome? Maybe if I can trick enough people into thinking that other people like me, they’ll like me too! I LOVE GROUPTHINK!" 

And while we're being honest...I should probably also tell you that the closest thing to a Faberge egg I’ve ever received in the mail was a mailbox full of ants at my parents’ house. I thought my mean ol’ drug dealer of an ex boyfriend and his thuggish ruggish friends had done it as a cruel joke, but then I remembered that not a one of them would have been smart enough to figure out how to transport that many ants without incurring hundreds of ant bites. (Also, I’m sure they all would have realized that my shiny new football player of a boyfriend slash future husband was strong enough to take them all at once.) In truth, the ants were the smart ones. They built somewhat of a high rise ant-partment complex in our mailbox. Although we were all impressed, my dad eventually drowned them all in a sea of Raid.

The End

(Sometimes I think writing The End is the funniest thing about my blog. I always imagine it being spoken in a long, slow manner, as if I were reading my blog to a large group of attentive children. I think my sense of humor might be broken.)


*Do you know how good I am at bubble spinning? You have no idea. I dare you to click here and try it, because you will fail, and then you will be absolutely dumbstruck by the fact that as Gary Gray is my witness, I once made it to Level 15. Don’t feel bad about yourself; it took me six months hard time at the front desk to get to where I am today.