Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Too Hot to Samba

My efforts to trick the weather are not going as well as I had hoped.

As you may have noticed, it is mid to late September. I’m pretty sure at this time last year, there was at least a slight chill in the air. But apparently, Colorado thinks experiencing fall weather in September is like sooo 2009.

I thought maybe if I wished hard enough or wanted it badly enough, eventually it would just happen; I would just magically walk outside one day to find an abundance of crunchy leaves, patiently awaiting the arrival of my stomping feet, as well as their imminent destruction. (They don’t know this last part of course, or else they’d be running for their little multicolored lives.)

Apparently wishing really hard and wanting it badly wasn’t enough, so I decided to take it one step further.

Ever heard the phrase “fake it ‘til you make it?”

I figured it was at least worth a shot, so I started wearing my cool weather clothes even though the average temperature was still in the 80’s. It's all good; I pretty much work in a giant refrigerator, complete with a crisping drawer. (That's where Samantha sits.)

After a week went by with no change in the weather whatsoever, I decided it was time to take this experiment to the next level.

Let me put this into terms you can more easily understand.

Your whole life, you’ve been desperately in love with Devon Sawa. We’re not talking about the disturbingly old manish version you may have seen in pictures that recently surfaced on the internet; no, your heart belongs to that sweet little boy who kissed Christina Ricci in all those movies in the 90’s. This largely contributed to your pattern of alternately hating and wishing you were Christina Ricci, because it seemed no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t stay mad at her.

Now, if you want to get Devon Sawa’s attention, do you think quietly hanging out in the back of the large crowd of people surrounding him, hoping to get a glimpse of that magnificent gap in his teeth is going to get you anywhere? No! You need to make a statement! You need to find out his address and camp out on his lawn until he agrees to marry you!

Okay, no offense, but I think you have a problem.

Anyway, let’s try to forget for a moment that you’re a bit of a crazy stalker, and pretend that Devon Sawa is more than a washed up teenage heartthrob. In this new scenario, let's say that Devon Sawa represents the weather.

I am crazy about the weather. I love slash hate every girl with whom the weather has ever shared an on-screen kiss, and I will do whatever it takes to get the weather’s attention and convince it to do my bidding. (This should be right up your alley, since you’re kind of an obsessive weirdo.)

I needed to get the weather not only to notice me, but also to realize that it wanted to do whatever it could to make me happy – which is GET TO ACTING LIKE AUTUMN ALREADY! Summer’s over! It’s time to move on! Don't you realize how much cuter I look in winterwear?!? SWEATERS LOVE ME!

So now that you all know why I’m wearing a full parka, a ski mask, three pairs of long underwear and my boots with the fur (WITH THE FUR!) I would appreciate it if you would stop asking me.

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