Thursday, October 7, 2010

How To Be Me In 10 Easy Steps

So you wanna be Emily Gray?

Now you can!

Follow these steps, and in just a few short weeks, you could be me. After that, we can talk about you subbing in for me at my job when I feel like sleeping in instead of working.

1. Dye your hair a lot. When you run out of money, stop.

2. Read all the Harry Potter books, all six Jane Austen novels, and the Hunger Games. Read them again. Read them again. Read them again. Read them again.

3. Be really awkward.

4. Write a lot of blog posts that contain numbered lists.

5. Have a super awesome sister who will edit said lists for you at no charge. (She didn't have anything to do with number 5 on this list.)

6. Be afraid of slugs. Be very afraid.

7. Marry someone whose first name is just one transposition of letters away from being their last name.

8. Only wash your hair every three to four days.

9. (This one is for those of you for whom it's too late to be Emily Gray, but who haven't yet lost hope for your children) Grow up as a chubby tomboy, then slowly emerge in later years as a mildly attractive woman.

10. Brush up on your rap skills. This is the most important part of being Emily Gray.

If you call in the next 20 minutes, we'll throw in the Emily Gray Deluxe Package, which includes Emily's Secrets to Getting Everyone to Like You Through Careful Omission of Your Actual Opinion.

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