Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Math Lesson

So last week, I was operating on the theory that
Gas Mileage > Backseat Space
Now that I'm a little older and wiser, I know that
12 Hour Road Trip(Tiny Backseat + 3 Grown Women) = Several Bruised Tailbones
Seeing 5/6 of the Fitz Fam + Attending A Sweet Wedding + Hugging My Mom = Totally Worth It
I was reminded of a few other things over the weekend as well, and now I shall relate them to you in a numbered list.

1. Mental Preparedness Is Not To Be Underestimated. I don't know if last week was just really busy or what, but I found myself in the car and on the way to Texas without having prepared myself for the trip whatsoever. I'll tell you this much: Twelve hours is way longer than I think it is.

2. My Mom Is A Magician. It never fails: Every time I come home, my parents' house looks completely different. New paint in several rooms, new countertops, an intricate mosaic backsplash in the kitchen, a new fruit bowl with a banana hook...that house is like a box of chocolates. (Except none of the chocolates are ever filled with pink Pepto flavored mush. They are full of artistic love and happiness.)

3. Taco Delite Is My Lifeblood. I'm always a little bit afraid I've built their food up too much in my mind and that I'll be disappointed once I get there...and I am always wrong. Eating their food is like winning the lottery, being licked on the face by a baby unicorn, and discovering that you have a natural ability to ride a unicycle, all  in one glorious, sunshiny day.

4. Tennis Shoes Are A Mistake. Why do I never remember this? If you're going to be in the car for more than two hours, you're going to want to take your shoes off, and when you do, you're going to spend the next several minutes praying that you're the only one who can tell how bad your feet stink and wishing you would have disregarded the fact that you heard it might be chilly and just worn sandals like a normal person.

5. Nobody Toasts Bread Like Tim Howrey. I think my dad could teach a class on making toast, and I think it would make him a millionaire. If I wasn't convinced it would lead to an early death, I would eat nothing but my dad's toast for the rest of my life.

6. Gas Station Food Always Sounds Like A Good Idea...

You, At The Gas Station: "Well, we're already here...I know! Let's just get food here so we don't have to stop again for dinner! Beef jerky and Chex Mix?!? LET'S DO IT!"

Your Brain, Ten to Fifteen Minutes Later: "Beep...beep... beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"

7. Rich People Make Me Uncomfortable. I'm glad they were at the wedding, because that means my friends are making BANK just for getting married, but for some reason I absolutely do not know how to act around wealthy people. Maybe it has something to do with that whatever that sturdy, shiny fabric is that they all seem to be wearing, or maybe I'm just ultrasensitive to the smell of money, but it's like I automatically start sweating profusely and completely lose control of my mouth whenever I find myself in close proximity.

Affluent Older Lady: So how do you know the bride and groom?


Prosperous Man Who's Wearing A Monacle: Excuse me, miss...

Me, Bowing Low And Avoiding Eye Contact: If you're talking to me, I must work here! What did I do with my tray of appetizers???

8. Amarillo Smells Terrible. So does Clayton. So does Texline. I don't care if you haven't eaten in a week; you can wait.

9. Babies Are Fascinating. I think this weekend was the first time I've ever seen a hot-off-the-presses, brand-newborn baby who had been out in the world for less than 48 hours. He was so tiny! And perfect! He had little baby fingers with little baby fingernails! I could have stood there and stared at him for hours, but I didn't, because I know myself, which means I know that it would only be a matter of time before I tried to figure out a way to keep him forever without his parents noticing.

10. Brushing Your Teeth With A Wisp® Is Not The Same As Using A Real Toothbrush. But when you leave your real toothbrush in Texas, sometimes it's your only option. For two days. Because instead of going to the grocery store when you got home like a real adult, you drove to Denver to eat seafood with your husband.

I'll leave you with this last piece of advice: If you're going to be taking a road trip, buy a neck pillow. It just might change your life.

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