Oooh, Sick Burn!

Was. It. Ever.

We went over to our friends' house for dinner Saturday night. The theme was Mexican food. All I wanted to do was make some pico de gallo.

I'm no stranger to the wrath of a jalapeno scourned, and neither is my darling husband. We became well acquainted this past summer...I don't remember the recipe, but boy, do I remember the aftermath. I'll spare you the gory details and just tell you that Gary and I somehow both managed to transfer the deadly jalapeno oils from our fingers to our noses. It was horrible. (By the way, should you ever find yourself in this grievous state, fill a shot glass with milk and dunk your schnoz for several minutes. [Then if you're Gary, drink your nosemilk, sit back, and watch your wife gag.] You will look and feel like an idiot, but it works.)

Ever since that fateful night, I've kept a box of latex gloves in my kitchen so as to guarantee my skin will never make contact with another jalapeno...but alas, in the process of getting everything together to leave for our friends' house, I forgot to grab them - a slip of the mind for which I would pay dearly.

I seeded and chopped exactly one jalapeno Saturday night. Then I rubbed my nose. Then I died in a fiery haze of pain. Then I was dragged back to life because the pain was not finished with me. It wanted me to see how it had turned the backs of my already dry hands a nice, splotchy, fire engine red color. It wanted to laugh as I attempted to put my contacts in the next morning, only to have to throw them away as a result of the irreparable damage caused by the oils on my fingers. It wanted to hang around and torture me as long as possible.

Last night I soaked my fingers in a bowl of ice cold milk for about half an hour, seemingly to no avail, but this morning I woke to find that the pain had ebbed considerably. Touching things with my fingers, for example, no longer makes me want to drop dead.

I've heard that cows know not to touch the electric fence ever again after they've been shocked, so I guess what we can conclude from all this is that I'm dumber than a cow.