So...anybody watched TV lately?
I have! I had the opportunity to wield a remote control for an entire week while I was home for Thanksgiving, and ya know what it taught me? That paying for cable is not worth it. Hundreds of channels at my disposal and there was still nothing I cared to watch.
More importantly though, it taught me that Tim Allen is back - in a big way. Yes, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor has lent his velvety voice to not one, not two, but THREE advertisements for my own personal viewing pleasure.
I'm sure you've seen them. There's one for the Chevrolet Cruze, one for Campbell's Soup, and one for Pure Michigan. (The third ad in this list has eluded me for some time, but thanks to Google I managed to track it down. Also thanks to Google I learned that Tim Allen was arrested in 1978 for cocaine possession. Tim, Tim, Tim. Not setting the best example for Brad, Mark* and Randy, are we now? Oh, Randy. Sighhhhh.)
So...I guess...you're Tim Allen, it's been years since you were in your prime, and you think to yourself, "Self, this voiceover thing ain't half bad! They never make you shave and you can come to work in your underwear! You should capitalize on this." So you walk into the middle of the street, raise your hand high and shout, "HEY! I'M TIM ALLEN! HIRE ME AND I WILL SELL YOUR PRODUCTS AND/OR PROMOTE YOUR STATE'S TOURISM INDUSTRY -- TO INFINITY...AND BEYOND!"
And of course it works, because honestly, who doesn't wanna buy stuff from Tim Allen? He's like the father you never had, but who sort of raised you because you watched way too much television as a child.
*Remember Mark? Not JTT, and not the one with the rat tail. No, not JTT! I know you miss him, but try to focus, please! He was the little one who started out cute but grew up to be so awkwardly awkward that I wouldn't be surprised if he was the sole reason they cancelled the show.
Well anyway, I thought you might all be interested to know that when he was 17, he married a 33 year old woman with whom he started a vegan cheese company. A few short years later she divorced him and took all his money, and they all lived awkwardly ever after. The End.
Now go watch Wild America (because I can tell you've stopped listening to me and are now only thinking about Jonathan Taylor Thomas) and transport yourself back to a time when things were simpler; back before Devon Sawa resurfaced as a creepy old man on the "hit" show "Nikita". (The quotation marks are meant to denote sarcasm when used the first time...not the second time. Sort of. To be honest, sometimes even I can't tell anymore.)