I ate some weird chicken and now I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
(Get it?!? The end??? Because I'm dying?!?)
However, I might stand a fighting chance based on the fact that the 60-pack of gum I've been working on expired in June. So either I've been building up immunity to rancid food and I'll come out stronger on the other side OR the steady ingestion of moldy gum juice has been slowly chipping away at my life and those two bites of six-day-old chicken will be the crowning blow that finally finishes me off. We shall see.