Super Suck

Well, August is upon us, and I think you all know what that means: Time to start those Christmas lists!

Just kidding. Sort of. I have started mine, but only because I discovered something that I really want but can't justify purchasing without the pretext of a major gift-giving holiday.

I can't decide which is more unsettling: the fact that I started my list this early, or the fact that the thing I want most for Christmas this year is - wait for it - a vacuum cleaner.

When I worked at Taco Delite, I had a conversation with one of the managers (Liz, who, to this day, still happens to be one of my favorite people on earth) about how she was hoping to get a new washing machine for Christmas. I remember having to try my hardest to curb the sheer horror spreading through my body before it reached my face. "A washing machine?! FOR CHRISTMAS?!? The one time of year when you get to ask for whatever in this world your heart desires, and you chose an appliance that helps you wash your kids' clothes?!? I mean I heard being married was hard, but this is worse than I ever imagined."

I certainly never imagined that a mere five or six years later, I too would be hoping to receive a device designed to help you do chores. But it's not just any device designed to help you do chores! It's a Dyson Animal - the most powerful dog hair-removal tool in the universe!

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CLEAN MY CARPETS ARE GONNA BE?!?

DO YOU?!

DO YOU?!?!? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHohmygoshmylifeispathetic.