This was the result:
FOR ANNOYING THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF EVERYONE AT WORK
REWARD: THE CONTENTS OF ED'S WALLET
So then my smart-alec friends, following a slew of heart-wrenchingly sweet messages, sent me this:
FOR MAKING EMILY CRY AT THE FRONT DESK INSTEAD OF TACKLING PEOPLE WHO LEAVE EARLY
REWARD: THE CONTENTS OF EMILY'S PURSE
The moral of this story? My friends are punks.