Thursday: A Two-Part Saga

I hear these things are all the rage, so I thought I’d get in on the action.

Really I just couldn’t decide which one of these things to write about today, and then I thought, “Hey, why not both? Why, it’s so crazy it just might work!”

Part I: So I Married a Superhero

Last night I came home to find the power cord for our Mac rolled up on the couch. I thought it was strange, since it’s usually plugged in and stretched across the living room floor – all the better to trip you with, my dear. I figured Gary must have had some reason for doing this, so I didn’t really think twice about it...that is, until I opened the computer to obsessively check for comments on my blog and found that the screen was totally black. Gary strikes again! He is notorious for not plugging the computer in ever. I swear, every time I open it, it looks up at me with its sad little sunken face and begs me to feed it some juice. Poor thing. I sighed, picked up the power cord, and then cursed loudly because I realized I was holding two severed halves of the $80 cord in my hands.

I called Gary and asked him if I should go pick up a new one before or after I murdered our dog. He laughed and told me he had actually pulled too hard on it on his lunch break and forgotten to tell me, then said he’d fix it when he got home. I try to be supportive in situations like these, so I said ok, but I’ll admit I had my doubts. It was one thing when we dropped that half ton desk down our basement staircase and the bottom two steps were destroyed, because all that took was a little hammer-and-nailing, but for some reason fixing electronics kinda seems like it should require a degree in rocket science.

But much to my shock and amazement, Gary did just as he said he would. He busted out the soldering iron and forced the two halves to kiss and make up. I woke up this morning and ran in to the living room to see if it had all been a crazy dream, but the electrical tape band-aid stood as proof that my husband had, indeed, performed a medical miracle at our kitchen table last night, making it possible for me to Facebook stalk people to my little heart’s content.

Well I’ll be darned if that last sentence doesn’t make for a ridiculously convenient lead-in to my next story.

Part II: First Come, First Smug

I have this friend whom I love dearly. She is smart and funny and cute and sometimes has colorful hair, which is really all I’m looking for in a friend. Her name starts with an E and ends in a couple of other names. She married another good friend of mine and Gary's last June, and one month ago they welcomed a beautiful baby girl into their lives.

I enjoy Facebook stalking my friend because she is interesting. So over the past year or so, I’ve really started to notice that people are douchebags.

How are these things related, you ask? I’ll tell you how.

Like I said, in the past 2 years, she’s gotten engaged, married, pregnant, and had a child. So for the past 2 years, I’ve been reading certain people’s douchey comments all over her Facebook wall. Which people? Mostly the ones who’ve gotten engaged, married, pregnant, or had a child in the past two or more years.

“Ohmigosh you’re engaged?!?!?!? You are just gonna LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! I know I did when I got engaged last week! You don’t even know how excited you’re gonna be in one week, when you get to where I am now. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!”

“OHmigosh your wedding is this weekend!?!? EEEEEK! Gosh, remember how awesome MY wedding was??? ‘Cause I sure do! Hey, is it cool if I wear my wedding dress to your wedding? I’d love the chance to wear it again, ‘cause going to weddings always makes me think about MY WEDDING.”

“OHMIGOSH YOU’RE PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!? You just don’t even know. You don’t know. You do not know. How could you? You couldn’t possibly know.”

“OH MY SWEET LORD YOU HAD YOUR BABY?!?!?!?!? You’re gonna love being a mom sooooo muuuuch. Just look at that baby! She’s almost as cute as my 3 month old, but don’t worry! I’m sure you’ll learn to love her nearly as much as I love myyyyyy babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”

“Oh, your baby’s a month old? Didn’t the month just FLY BY? I know that’s how I felt when MY baby turned one month old! Oh, the memories. Gosh, it just feels like forever ago that my baby was a month old, since I had a baby suuuch a long time before you did. I’m actually surprised you even bothered posting anything about your baby on Facebook, ‘cause I mean, the whole 'baby' thing’s kinda been done. By me.”

I can only hope to heaven that the girl who’s responsible for most of the comments that inspired me today never, ever, ever, ever, ever stumbles across my blog. If she does, I guess there will finally be a person out there who doesn’t like me (first time for everything, right?), and maybe it’ll teach her that if she doesn’t want me to talk smack about her all over the internet, maybe it would be a good idea to stop being such a one-uppity douche.