Bad at High Fives

I’ve been thinking lately about how I might be giving people the false impression that I am good at everything. (Oh, you hadn’t gotten that impression? Consider yourself de-friended, on Facebook as well as real life.) But don’t worry, regular people, there is at least one thing that I totally suck at, and that thing is high fives. Other things I’m not good at include being dumb and getting people to stop liking me. (I almost typed licking instead of liking...as to that, I really can’t say, as the issue has ever come up.)

Oh and don’t even get me started on handshakes. I was given the nickname “Short-Shake” early in life, and it’s taken me years of practice to redeem myself. Now I approach every handshake with vigor and ferocity. I like people to feel like they’ve gotten their hand stuck in a particularly strong set of crab crackers.

I don’t really understand why I have so much trouble with high fives. The concept seems pretty rudimentary...slap the fatty part of your hand against the fatty part of somebody else’s hand, and BAM! You’ve physically expressed congratulations and/or success, and made a really cool noise in the process. But somehow when I try it, the only thing I manage to express is that I suck at life. Thank goodness handshakes, not high fives, are the professional way to end an interview, or else I’m pretty sure I’d be screwed for eternity (and by screwed I mean unemployed, and by unemployed I mean homeless, because Gary don’t want no scrubs, and by scrubs I mean jobless squatters eating his groceries and sleeping under his roof.)

“Well I was gonna hire her, but then I saw her biff that high five on the way out, and well...”

The fatty part of my hand is actually a little overdeveloped, which you would think would give me an edge in the hand-slapping department. Fact: The pads of my thumbs are so prominent that I am physically incapable of forming a “b” in sign language with either hand. But apparently bulging thumb pads are no match for a complete lack of coordination and aim.

A well-meaning coworker recently gave me a piece of advice. He said if you look at the other person’s elbow while you’re going for the high five, you’ll never miss unless you’re some new kind of uncoordinated mutant subspecies, because even the least developed human brains should be able to successfully navigate something as basic as a high five.

Well somebody call Science, ‘cause it looks like we’ve got a new kind of uncoordinated mutant subspecies on our hands! I tried to put his advice into practice earlier today and ended up smacking Sarah in the forehead, knocking her unconscious. Don’t believe me? Go check her cube. I just left her on the floor in there ‘cause I didn’t know what else to do with her and my fifteen minute break was almost over.