Makin' You Feel the Rhythm Is His Occupation.

I don't want to alarm anybody...but I think I might be married to Mark Wahlberg.

Allow me to present you with the evidence that has led me to this conclusion.

Exhibit A: The entire movie Invincible

A1) Gary played football in high school; so did Mark Wahlberg's character in Invincible.

A2) Gary has a tendency to break stuff when he gets real angry; Mark Wahlberg's character smashes up his house when his wife leaves him. (Note: The major difference here is that Gary's wife would never leave him because she knows one day he'll make it big in the NFL become a helicopter pilot.)

A3) Just look at that hair.

Exhibit B: Squinty/Crazy Eyes

Gary and Mark (we're switching to first-name-basis mode to save time and energy) both have tiny eyeballs, meaning whenever they break out the crazy eyes, it just sort of looks like what everyone else's eyes look like every day. This is a deadly weapon, because it allows them to catch their enemies unaware before laying the smack down. So the next time you decide it's ok to let your guard down around a big dude with regular looking eyeballs... just don't say I didn't warn you.

Exhibit C: The Hulk

In the feature film The Other Guys, Will Ferrell's character references The Incredible Hulk when talking about Mark's character's fits of anger. Similarly, this kid I used to work with at Taco Delite frequently referred to Gary as "Bruce", as in Bruce Banner. Every time we worked together it was the same. "Hey Betty, how's Bruce?" This same kid also liked to call Sarah and me Mary-Kate and Ashley. After a while I started to wonder if he was just trying to mask the fact that he had a really hard time remembering names with humor. It's okay, buddy. There's help out there for people like you. 

Exhibit D: Rap Music

Ok, maybe Gary never had a burgeoning rap career that would later come back to haunt him when he attempted to emerge as a serious actor...but he did marry me. As you all know, I'm going places, and rap is the twin-engine jet airplane that's going to take me there. Why yes, I was referring to the Gulfstream G6. How very urban of you to notice!

I've laid out the facts. Now you be the judge: is my husband Mark Wahlberg? If he is, then he's got some serious 'splaining to do about those four kids he has with his other wife...and also about why we don't have a whole lot more money.