Thursday, August 19, 2010

Not Gonna Reach My Telephone

As many of you know, I answer phones for a living. Today I’d like to introduce you to my three favorite kinds of calls.

Favorite Call Number One: Silence...then, “Oh, whoops! I just put a potato chip in my mouth!”

Um...I’m pretty sure you called me. Do you understand how phone calls work?

Favorite Call Number Two: Angry Lady Who Just Wants to Yell at Someone

“Yes, I want my name taken off the mailing list RIGHT NOW.”

“Ok, what’s your name?”


“Ma’am, if I’m going to take your name off the mailing list...I’m going to need to know your name.”

Favorite Call Number Three: Casual Cool Guy Who’s Toootally Not a Solicitor

(I’ve taken the liberty of color coding this one for ya. I’m in green, because green is good, and this guy is in red, just like the devil. The parts in italics represent the inner workings of my mind. You’re welcome.)

“Well hey there Emily, how are you doing on this blessed day?”

Oh, I get it...blessed, because we’re a Christian organization. You know that’s really not necessary...contrary to what you may have heard, we don’t actually use the word ‘blessed’ in every sentence.

“Pretty good, how are you?”

“I’m doing well, thank you Emily.”

I hate you already. Tell me what you want so I can deny you of it.

“Well Emily, I was wondering if Dennis was in.”

Oooh, wrong answer.


“Oh yes, Emily, you know, the president of your organization? We’re besties. I’m just calling to see how the old boy’s doing.”

Somebody’s pants are on fire. If you were really besties, you’d know the secret password, and that word is Denny. No one calls him Dennis.

“Oh, I’m sorry; we actually can’t transfer these types of calls to his office.”

“What types of calls, Emily?”

Seriously, stop saying my name. I know you’re trying to make me think you care, but all you’re really doing is making me want to punch your face.


“Oh, Emily, this isn’t a solicitation; I just want to personally extend Dennis an invitation to a super exclusive event for CEOs and presidents of organizations such as yours.” which you’ll discuss whatever product you’re selling.

“Ok well I can’t transfer solicitations or super special invitations.”

This is usually where the claws come out.

“WELL, EMILY, YOU’RE KIND OF A WORTHLESS B****. YOU CAN TAKE YOUR ****** AND SHOVE *** ****** ********* **** ***********.”

Honorable Mention: Guy Who Refuses to Leave A Voicemail and Just Keeps Calling Back and Asking if There's Anyone Else Who Can Help Him Because He Waited Until the Last Minute to Get His Volunteers Approved as Drivers and Is Now Having an "Emergency" Because They're Leaving for Camp in an Hour

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