Tonight we're going to talk about the biggest waste of money on the planet: Halloween decorations!
I'm not talking about the cute little ghosts my mom hangs in her trees, or even the little trick-or-treaters she and my dad built to put out in front of their house - that stuff? Adorbz.
I'm talking about two very specific items: inflatable lawn ornaments and gauzy fake spiderwebs.
We'll start with the less serious offenders: the spiderwebs.
Listen up, everybody. THEY NEVER LOOK GOOD. EVER. NO, NOT EVEN WHEN THEY GLOW IN THE DARK. The only thing they're good for is driving your neighbors' property value into the ground and eventually ending up in someone else's yard.
The best slash worst part is, it seems like no one ever takes that crap down.
"Eh, maybe no one will notice that it's December and we just tried to cover those glow-in-the-dark spiderwebs up with the tangled net of christmas lights we left up until July last year. They're green, and everyone knows that green = Christmas."
To be totally honest, the spiderwebs are the least of my worries.
What's at the top of my list of worries are THESE:
That's right. The top of the list. That means this takes precedence over concerns like whether or not my plane is going to go down in a blaze of explosive glory on my return trip next weekend or whether my babies are gonna turn out ugly.
So...how does this even happen? I guess you're sitting around thinking to yourself, "Gosh, self...you just have too much money floating around. How can you get rid of some of that extra cash? Wait - I know! An inflatable Halloween lawn ornament! Not only do they cost money themselves, but this will also be a nice way to beef up your electricity bill and show everyone how rich you are! Nothing spells 'classy' like a lawn ornament that is sure to deflate during the night and end up looking like a gigantic pile of used trash bags."
My advice? The next time you're sitting around trying to come up with a way to waste some money, just send it directly to me. I promise not to use it to buy a giant inflatable witch that begs to be poked with sharp objects.
Note: For the record, I find pumpkin trash bags full of leaves extremely charming. Fun, frugal, functional, AND appropriate for more than one month out of the year! WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR???
2nd Note: I also find the Christmas versions slightly ridiculous, but at least the Christmas season lasts a little longer, so it becomes slightly more worth your money. What is the life of a Halloween decoration, anyway? (Assuming you even bother to take it down once November rolls around...) Two weeks? A month, maybe? WHY AM I SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS?!?!? RRRRAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
I just figured it out. I miss my dog real bad. Also Gary. Turns out I'm prone to fits of unfounded, homesick rage.