Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch...

While I've been on vacation, I bet many of you have been wondering how poor old Gary was doing back in Colorado all by his lonesome.

I'll provide you with an excerpt from our phone conversation last night and let you be the judge.

Me: "Did you ever go to the grocery store?"

Gary: "Pff. No."

Me: "...have you been eating? 'Cause the fridge was empty when I left on Friday..."

Gary: "Well, it wasn't completely empty."

Me: "What was in there? Oh no...have you still been eating that queso???*"

Gary: "Oh, no, I finished that earlier in the week. I mixed it with the left over goulash you made and it was delicious."

Me: (Pause for dramatic gagging) "...so what did you eat for dinner tonight?"

Gary: "Well, like I said, the fridge wasn't completely empty."

Me: "I'm pretty sure it was."

Gary: "No, there was still some pepperoni, some mozzarella cheese, some chopped onion...and eggs."

Me: "That doesn't add up to a meal."

Gary: "Well, just think of it as a pizza omelette."

Me: (Throws up in mouth.)

*"That queso" was made three full weeks ago and then shoved to the back of the fridge, forever to be forgotten...until Gary found it just before I left and deemed it edible on the basis that it's made of Velveeta, which isn't real food anyway, and therefore cannot go bad.