Wednesday, December 15, 2010


This weekend, Sarah and I had an idea that is going to revolutionize the way people everywhere do their grocery shopping. (I say Sarah and I both had the idea because that is what happened. When two people are as in sync as we are, simultaneous inspiration becomes laughably commonplace. We practically share one brain; one brain that has the size and processing capacity of two gigantic, super-powerful brains.)

So here's the idea: Blinkers on shopping carts. Amirite? Amirite?

We were struck with this little epiphany like a bolt of lightning while mowing down innocents with our plastic bulldozer full of frozen goods. Somehow, amidst the loud squishing of unwashed bodies hitting the floor and the angry screams in our wake, we both heard the ding! that could only mean one of two things: a) after six long hours, the single mini cupcake we put in the E-Z Bake Oven this morning was finally done...but considering we were standing in the middle of Wal-Mart, it was more likely that b) that ding was announcing the arrival of a revelation that would make us both millionaires.

As you all know, Sarah and I primarily do our grocery shopping at Wal-Mart, because we secretly enjoy the excitement and mystery of whether or not we're going to be abducted in the condiment aisle. (Here's another idea for any of you budding entrepreneurs out there: I dare someone to open a grocery store that neither price gouges me nor attracts patrons who might literally gouge me.)

As Wal-Mart is not exclusively a grocery store - they are also purveyors of low-quality Christmas gifts of all kinds (which are particularly appealing to the drooling cretins who inhabit my neck of the woods) - it gets mighty busy this time of year, which takes an already unpleasant experience and ramps it up to an aneurysm-inducing cocktail of hate, failure and unhappiness.*

So America, let's get this cash cow a-mooin'! Join Sarah and me as we significantly decrease the margin of grocery-related injury in this great country of ours! Together, we can transform the bungled chaos of navigating crowded grocery aisles into an ordered, efficient and (dare I dream it?) downright enjoyable experience.

*Apparently it doesn't have to be this way. I have heard tell of a Wal-Mart in the northeast quarter of Colorado Springs that is clean and organized and does not make make alcoholism seem like a healthy lubricant for the weekly grocery trip, but I dismissed these impossible fairy tales at once, convinced that Leah was just playing a dirty trick on me because I'm so gullible (a fact which I tried to rectify by refusing to believe Gary when he told me that armadillos carry leprosy, only to find out that that's actually true. I DON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST ANYMORE!)...that is, until last Saturday, when I saw the dream materialize in front of my very eyes.

It was clean and organized, not to mention sparkly and good-smelling and...could it be? Are those good looking people I see over there in the produce section? YES! THEY ARE! Look, that lady appears to have washed her hair in the last 24 hours! That's no naturally occurring shade of blonde; she's got professional highlights!!! And she's wearing a North Face jacket! Not only is she not homeless; SHE LOOKS LIKE A SNOB! IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!

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