An Open Letter to a Whole Bunch of People

Dear English-speaking Population,

Why are you all up in my grill?

First of all, I knew that when I started writing a weekdaily blog post that there was a good chance it would become wildly popular and eventually lead to fame, fortune, and all the forfeitures of privacy that come along with it. (Still holding out for the fortune portion*.) But honestly, even cyberlebrities such as myself deserve a little respect -- such as, I don't know, the capitalization of his or her initials, maybe?

Everywhere I go, I see it: e.g.

My friends and family have tried to console me by suggesting the possibility that my name has just become so popular and widely used that it's evolved into a new form of slang. That made me feel a little better, but then I started noticing several instances of people just calling me out for no apparent reason.

For example (if only there was a shorter way to type that phrase!), the following is an excerpt from our company website.

Any unauthorized use of the information contained on this site (e.g., for private solicitations of any nature), without the express written consent of [the super top secret company by which I am employed], is prohibited.

What gives??? When have I ever privately solicited any other staff members without express written consent??? Is this about that time I called Whitney Kroneberger fifty-seven times in one night begging her to be friends with me??? THAT WAS TOTALLY WORK-RELATED. We were on the company softball team together and I NEEDED SOMEONE TO PRACTICE WITH.

And why are you constantly trying to pit me against this i.e. person? Maybe i.e. and I would like to be friends; did you ever consider that? It would be nice to sit down and have a chat with someone who really understands what I'm going through as I struggle to adjust to the general public's rampant lack of respect for my two favorite letters, but it won't be easy with everyone constantly posting stuff online about "i.e. vs. e.g." as if we're about to compete in the death match of the century. It seems our friendship was doomed to fail from the very beginning.

It's not too late for you to change your ways, English-speaking Population; there are a few simple measures that can be taken to start the healing process, exempli gratia, you could just start using my whole name. (Ever feel like you just can't get your point across without the gratuitous use of Latin? I know it's confusing - perhaps even alienating at times - but what other choice do I have?)

*Consequently, "Fortune Portion" is the title of my next hit single.