Old Ladies, You Nasty.

I went to a bridal shower for a friend this weekend, and I learned a lesson that was equally valuable and disturbing: Old ladies are dirty.

I'm not proud of this, but I fear I may be developing some slightly ageist tendencies, at least in one respect. I'm just gonna throw this out there: If you're old enough to have a grandbaby, you're too old to make sex jokes in public. You've got kids; we get it. You've had sex.

This is the part where I reluctantly share the comments that managed to brand themselves on my brain before I had a chance to pour bleach in my ears.

"I want to share a wonderful recipe for you and your husband after you say I do. It's called Honeymoon Salad, and here are the ingredients: Lettuce alone; no dressing."

"If you're in a fight, get naked. If you can still fight, then it's something worth arguing over." (This one didn't actually come from an old lady, but they all thought it was HILARIOUS and repeated it several times.)

"Even if it's not real, fake it." (This last one was probably the most disturbing since I know the woman who said it...as well as her husband. Bleeeechhhhhhhh.)

Why does it bother me so much worse to hear this kind of thing from people of the elderly persuasion? I'll tell you why. It's the same reason I can stand to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but not Grumpy Old Men. Because young people are stupid! We dress weird! We tweet our every thought! We take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans which we will almost surely never be able to pay back! We have the excuse of being young and reckless, and can therefore get away with making the occasional inappropriate comment.

Sorry old folks, but at your time of life, you should know better.

Now if anybody needs me, I'll just be over here rocking back and forth in the fetal position with my fingers in my ears repeating my newly adopted mantra aloud: I was delivered by the stork. I was delivered by the stork. I was delivered by the stork.