I don't know how to tell you this, so I'll just come right out and say it: There's someone else.
It started out innocently enough; I arrived on time for my appointment fully expecting for you to be there. (Oh gosh - not that I'm blaming you - I just want you to know that my intentions were pure.) I was taken aback at the sight of the tiny woman standing outside the massage room where you and I have spent so many wonderful hours together talking and laughing. I swear, I was even annoyed at her overly southern accent when she introduced herself...but once we got into the room, something changed.
At first, I scoffed internally at her obvious lack of experience. Don't you know you're supposed to use more lotion than that? Nicole always uses way more lotion than that...but in time, it occurred to me that maybe using less lotion might make it possible for me to leave here without feeling like a giant, itchy puffball of slime. Her attempts at small talk were mediocre at best. Nicole's never this awkward. She knows the conversational way to my heart: puppies and babies. The conversation died out within the first few minutes, giving way to something totally unexpected. Without all that puppy and baby talk, I was able to just lie there and enjoy my massage in a state of complete relaxation. As for the massage itself...I'm not gonna lie to you, Nicole. It was good. It was really good. To top it all off, the session lasted a full 55 minutes...and I think we both know you tend to skip out after 45 at best. Again, I'm not blaming you, but let's not make what we have (or, had, since we're breaking up) into something it's not.
I'm so sorry Nicole. I felt at the time that what I was doing was wrong, but I just couldn't help myself. Please don't ask me to tell you her name; it'll only make things worse for you. Especially since I actually know her name after only one appointment and it took me months to get yours down.
I hope we can still be friends...although since the only time we ever saw each other was during my bi-weekly massage, I guess the chances of that happening are highly unlikely.