Monday, May 9, 2011

Wonder What's in a Wonder Woman

The weirdest things make me feel like a superhero. I'm not very fast and goodness knows I'm nowhere near aerodynamic enough to attempt human flight, but there are a few things that kinda make me feel like Wonder Woman. I'd like to present those things to you now in the form of a numbered list.

1. This gold crown/headband thing I always wear.

2. $4 t-shirts from Walmart. Such as the ones I bought yesterday. I know I had nothing to do with the manufacturing of said shirts, but for some reason I feel a rush of pride every time I think about them. I feel like Walmart clothes always fit weird, so it's slightly miraculous that I managed to find these little gems clinging to a shelf for dear life amidst a sea of hideous tie-dyed* dresses and stretch pants; and what's even more than slightly miraculous is the fact that I'm confident not a single onlooker will have the slightest suspicion as to the origin of my new found apparel...that is, unless the onlooker happens to be one of you guys, in which case maybe I should learn to keep my mouth shut.

3. Not having cable. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about the Gray family; we are not among those hyperintellectuals who choose not to have a TV in their home because they're afraid it will rot their brains/ruin their reputations as supergeniuses/clash with their extensive collection of leather-bound books. We're just poor, and cable costs money. (Although I do sometimes like to imagine that the real reason we don't have TV is because we're better than you.)

4. I can do this now! Okay, when I do that it doesn't look quite that coordinated and I don't move quite that fast. But that's not the point! The point is I've finally reached a point where I can complete the move without collapsing into a pitiful, convulsing heap of inadequacy.

5. Four things didn't seem like enough. Ahh, it appears that numbered lists with fewer than five items are my Kryptonite...or whatever it is that renders Wonder Woman's powers completely useless.

*Is it redundant to use both hideous and tie-dyed as descriptors for the same article of clothing?

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