Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Twofer Twednesday!

I know, I know, I let you all down by failing to blog yesterday. I was too busy lying on my couch not sleeping thanks to the loudest, buzziest housefly in the history of the earth. Oh also I was sick.

Anyway, to make up for it I'm going to go ahead and make this post TWO POSTS! Ready? Let's two this.

POST ONE: Spoiler Alert...Sort Of

If you haven't seen the movie First Knight starring Richard Gere and Sean Connery, be warned: I am about to ruin the ending. But since I'm pretty sure the statute of limitations on spoilers runs out after fifteen years, I don't really even have to feel bad about it.

Gary and I have been watching a lot of Netlix Instant Watch, thanks to our very cool friend Jenny who gave us her password 'cause she knows we're too poor to actually pay for stuff. One night last week we decided to watch First Knight, because I can vaguely remember my parents really liking that movie when I was a kid.

Let me break the storyline down for you here:

King Arthur (Sean Connery) has been a really good dude his whole life. He finds a super hot lady named Guinevere (Julia Ormond) who has also been really good her whole life and asks her to marry him. She agrees. Everybody's happy! While she's on her way to get married, her carriage is attacked by some bad guys and she is saved by Lancelot (Richard Gere). He kisses her and I'm pretty sure she slaps him. She tells him she's engaged; he pursues her anyway. She gets married; he still pursues her. Finally she gives in and King Arthur walks in and catches them kissing. He's charging them both for treason when Camelot is attacked and Arthur takes three arrows to the chest. On his deathbed, he forgives them both and gives them his blessing, after which he dies and they presumably all live happily ever after.

So let me get this straight: Lancelot knows Guinevere is taken, yet he continues to try and tempt her with that weird squinty-eyed look Richard Gere always does (which, by the way, always kinda makes me think Richard Gere's a bit of a d-word...and I don't mean double crosser. Wait, you're not attracted to me yet? Well how about....SQUINT! Then he doesn't back off even after she's married to a really good guy. (Note: I'm not saying infidelity is ever excusable, but if you want me to get behind it even a little you could at least make the guy she's married to really mean or something.) THEN when they get caught together and all seems lost, her husband conveniently gets shot in the chest and dies, but not before he has the chance to sign their marriage license. Oh and then they burn his body.


POST TWO: Accent Piece (Get It?!?)

Alright, I'm gonna talk about another movie, but the nice thing is I don't need to apologize for ruining it because it did that all by itself! The name? Elizabethtown.

I'm not even going to address the fact that this movie is nothing more than a cheap knockoff of Garden State. (Alright well it seems that by saying that, I did address it...but I'm not going to elaborate.)

What I AM going to elaborate on is how terrible Orlando Bloom's accent is in that movie. Really, Orlando? You weren't making enough money as a good-looking British guy? So much so that you felt the need to come over here and hack your way through a role that called for a greasy middle part and what I can only assume was supposed to be a Californian accent? It was *actually* painful to watch. I turned it off halfway through, which is saying something seeing as I own the movie Stick It.

You heard me right: Stick It - a movie entirely about gymnastics - trumps Elizabethtown - a movie about...well, gosh, I'm not sure what it's about...something about death and white trash...?

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