Like A Good Neighbor...

Hidey-ho, neighborino!

I'm sorry we haven't come across the alley to introduce ourselves yet; we've been a little busy with the move and everything...okay who are we kidding. We're never going to introduce ourselves because we're a little bit antisocial and we tend to hate people. ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO MOW THEIR YARDS AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING.

Seriously. Seriously?!? You felt it was appropriate to gas up the grass cutter neighbor alienator prior to 7 am knowing that most people in this town don't have air conditioning and therefore probably have their bedroom windows open? Like maybe the window that's RIGHT NEXT TO THEIR SLEEPY LITTLE HEADS? ON GARY'S DAY OFF??? (Alright, I'll retract that last part since you couldn't possibly have known.*)

Now, should I recognize the fact that this is one of those normal, everyday nuisances you just have to put up with from your neighbors and be thankful that we no longer live next to a full-blown meth lab? Probably. But the joke's still on you, buddy, because the difference between you and the crackheads (besides the fact that you don't seem to find it as amusing as they did to stare out your windows at us for hours on end) is that we were afraid of them. They were twitchy and unpredictable, while based on what I've gathered, you're nothing more than a boring middle-aged couple who never comes outside--unless of course you feel the need to mow your lawn at some ungodly hour of the morning.

So the real reason I wrote this letter was to welcome you to PARTY CENTRAL!

That's right! Starting tonight around 11pm, we are going to be partying it up YOUNG PEOPLE STYLE at ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT! Anytime we think you might be trying to sleep, you can "rest" (get it?!) assured we will be doing something SUPER LOUD to guarantee that you wake up cussing us!

I realize this retaliation will probably cause all the neighbors who haven't done anything to deserve this to hate us as well, but ya know what? BRING IT ON, INNOCENT NEIGHBORS!

WE'LL TAKE YOU ALL ON!

THIS IS OUR HOOD NOW!!!

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-

Neighbors,

I apologize for my wife - she's not well. We would really appreciate it if you would consider restricting your lawn-mowing to sometime between the hours of 8am and 9pm because the noise makes it difficult for us to sleep.

Thanks for all your help,

Gary

*The beauty of this is that even though I said I'd retract it, it's still out there, swaying people's opinions and making everyone think you're an inconsiderate jerk! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Justice - you just got served.