Hey guys,*Okay, maybe that's not what you're all thinking. Some of you are waiting for your big break in the baton-twirling industry.
WASSAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH? I'm sure you all remember this delightfully classic greeting from back in the day. You probably also remember your adolescent obsession with N'Sync OR the Backstreet Boys (but not both! You must choose a side!) and how we all pretended to love punk rock in high school and even went so far as to put temporary blue streaks in our hair so we could have a fighting chance at fitting in when we went to the Vans Warped Tour, only to find out later that some girl called us a poser - the insult of choice for most of our high school years.
"She's never even heard of Anti-Flag? Poser."
"She didn't own a pair of chucks until they got popular? POSER."
"She was seen getting ice cream with her parents in public last week? Pa-ho-sa-heur."
Oh, you don't remember that last part? Weird.
Anyway, all this reminiscing is fun, but we're all adults now, and I need to talk to you guys about something. I don't know if you've heard this or not, but I'm just gonna lay it out there in the open: Everyone thinks we suck.
I know what you're thinking.
"Excuse me??? People think I suck??? Well I DEMAND that those people APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY. In fact, you know what? I refuse to return to my job until every single one of those people sends me a written apology and admits that I AM AWESOME. I think you all know where I can be reached - my parents' basement. I'm just staying there temporarily until I'm able to fulfill my dream of becoming a world-famous salsa dancer."*
Listen. I grew up in the same time period as you did, and I heard "you can be whatever you want when you grow up" enough times to have me pretty well convinced at eighteen that majoring in voice and then becoming a famous singer seemed like a viable option.**
I'm sure our parents had the best of intentions with all that self-esteem building they tried on us when we were little, but the problem is that it worked. We believed that we are the most special person in the world and we deserve everything in life, but to what end? Now we're all self-entitled little whiners who have no idea how the world works.
Oh, you smarted off to your boss because you think you know everything and then she fired you? The injustice! You do know everything! You were right to flip her off on the way out! I mean, sure, you'll probably never get a glowing recommendation letter from her, but if you can't stand on principle, then where can you stand???
Answer: In your parents' basement. Aaand we've come full circle.
In conclusion, could you just stop being so lame? It's embarrassing.
Get a haircut, etc.,
**I decided to go another way because I realized the only jobs out there for voice majors are positions as high school choir directors, my feelings about which can be summed up in a quote borrowed with respect from Jenna Maroney: "It's hard for me to watch American Idol because I have perfect pitch."