Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Mama's Gonna Buy You a Nightmare

This is how I found my dogs this morning.

Look at them. Sleeping so peacefully, like little angels.

I stood there gazing at them for about ten seconds before grabbing everything I could get my hands on and hurling it in their direction with a vigorous aggression that belied my bed-headed lethargy.

Those little snots kept me up damn near all of last night.

At around 3:30 a.m., Brutus leapt gracefully onto my bed and began nuzzling me affectionately, a behavior so uncharacteristically tender that I wasn't entirely sure I wasn't in the midst of an impossibly realistic dream. I cooed softly at him and lovingly stroked his fur, relishing this most pleasant of surprises.

Enter Bravo the Blunderdog, stage left.

My moment of maternal bliss was brought to a screeching halt by a hulking fifty-pound mass of lard and destruction. He launched himself onto the bed like a cannonball, crouched down and commenced beating his club-like tail menacingly against the mattress in preparation for the imminent attack on my sanity.

The temptation to misbehave was more than Brutus could bear. The two of them stomped, snarled and scrambled around the house with playful exuberance for the next several hours with no regard for the fact that I had to get up for work this morning.

I hope you guys enjoyed your morning snoozefest, 'cause IT'S THE LAST SLEEP YOU'LL EVER GET! That's right! I paid off the neighbor kids to dump buckets of ice water over the fence any time they notice you settling down!!!


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