By some miracle, last night I managed to make this happen without using any means of securing my hair other than the hair itself:
"SARAH! SARAH! LOOKLOOKLOOKLOOKLOOK," I exclaimed as I alternated between slapping her excitedly and pointing enthusiastically at the back of my head. "THIS IS MY DREAM!"
And I meant it.
This, my friends, is why I'll never be famous. It would appear that I have reached the summit of the heights to which my ambition is prepared to propel me: a self-sustaining updo.