Friday, July 12, 2013

It's Time.

I think a five month hiatus is plenty long enough. (And let's be honest - it was really more like eight months.)

So in 751 words or less, I'm going to catch you up.

When we last spoke, Gary was still traveling greater than or equal to 80% of the time for work. By the time February rolled around and we realized we'd been doing that for a year, the time apart had eaten away at about the same percentage of my soul.

And that, friends, is the reason this blog shriveled up and died like so many hanging plants in my living room. I just felt sad all the time and I couldn't find it in me to be funny. Some days I could barely find it in me to get out of bed in the morning.

(Don't worry - I promise it gets better.)

(But not quite yet.)

By that time, instead of attempting a cheerful, "It's not easy but it's only temporary," when people asked me how I was holding up, I had resigned to shrugging my shoulders and saying, "It's terrible. I hate it and I think I'm depressed." Which, by the way, makes for some fantastically awkward break room conversations.

The people I work with are exceptionally caring, so I had this conversation a lot. One time in particular, I could see that the lady who had asked was a little unnerved by my dispirited response. Instead of feeling guilty for my failure to even attempt to look on the bright side, I found myself thinking smugly as I walked away, "That oughta shut her up."

The thought literally stopped me in my tracks. What the hell was wrong with me? She was just trying to be nice.

And that was the day I realized I needed professional help.


Just kidding guys! We're nowhere near the end!

So I went to see a counselor, which is something I never thought I'd do in a million years because I thought I was a normal, well-adjusted person and as far as I knew, normal, well-adjusted people do not need counseling. Because they're so normal. And well-adjusted. But it was awesome and so helpful.

I met with her once a week for a few months, and it was a huge turning point for me. I learned to be grateful for all the amazing things in my life (loving husband/family/friends, great job, hair that only needs to be washed every 4-5 days) instead of focusing on the things I wanted but did not have (babies, a better job for Gary, more babies). Which is like, so basic it's embarrassing that I had to pay someone $150 an hour just to get it through my head.

One of the most significant things my counselor told me was to start praying for God to make a way where there seemed to be no way. She would repeat this to me every week, almost like a mantra, and for the first time in months I started to hope that things could be better.

So when Gary came home at the end of February, we became those people we swore we'd never be: the ones who just say SCREW IT, LET'S DO THIS and decide to have a kid without being financially prepared in the slightest. And while we were at it, we decided it was high time Gary quit the job that was making us both so miserable so we could dive into the American Dream of partially living off student loans for a while.

So that pretty much sums it up! I'm five months pregnant with a girl who I already know is cool because last night I was listening to T.I. and she started dancing around in my belly. (Tastefully. Because she is a lady.) Gary's going to helicopter school full time and is on track to be finished by the time the baby comes, and in the meantime has been able to find pretty steady work as a carpenter/handyman/shutter of stuck windows. (So what I'm saying is, if you live in Colorado Springs and are in need of a guy with a truck, power tools and/or big muscles, I can hook you up.)

The best part of all this is...all of this. Gary's home, we're getting on with our life together and I feel like myself again. And myself missed writing and sharing life with you guys.

It feels good to be back.


The Rookie Race Lady said...

Best window closer I know!! Great blog post lady!

Kathleen said...

SO Happy you are back!! Praying all the best for your family of 3!!!