Monday, February 28, 2011

Don't Be Hatin'

You guys wish you were me so hard and you don't even know it. Wanna know why? Because if you were me, you'd be married to Gary Gray - the greatest man-chef OF ALL TIME.

These are lofty claims, I know, but I am one hundred percent prepared to back it up.

We lucked into getting a free smoker right around Christmas, and since then, many of you have had the pleasure of partaking in some smoked ham, brisket, or - if you were especially lucky - baby back ribs with Gary's homemade BBQ sauce. The legend of Gary's smoking skills has spread far and wide, reaching the farthest corners of Colorado Springs and even as far as Manitou Springs, if you can believe it.*

To say I was proud would be an understatement. I felt the full extent of my good fortune and considered myself one of the luckiest people on earth to have been blessed with such a legendary life partner.

Last night, all that changed.

I no longer consider myself "one of the luckiest." I am now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, THE luckiest girl person sentient creature in the world universe HISTORY OF EVER.

You may well be wondering what on earth could have happened to cause such a change. I'm here to tell you and anyone else who's willing to listen: I have tasted a chili that is like no other chili in this world, and it has changed my life forever. I no longer need oxygen to live, as my lungs are now perpetually filled with the memory of that chili. Right now, for instance, tiny microscopic elk are galloping through my veins, delivering their spicy aroma to each of my cells so that I can look better, think faster, and achieve a higher level of understanding than those surrounding me. My eye color has changed to a perfect shade of serrano green. Flawless high fives are no longer beyond my reach. I never have to shave my legs again, because I no longer grow hair anywhere other than the top of my head - and that hair now comes out looking like spun gold, making paying for highlights a thing of the past.

Ribs, you say? I care not for ribs. From this day forward, there shall only be chili.

All for chili, and chili for all.

*Manitou is ten minutes away. Believe it.

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