I'm Ready For My Close-Up, Mr. Kutcher

I didn't post anything yesterday because I was cleaning the old house, or "in hell" as I like to call it. Actually it wasn't as bad this time around because Gary was there. (I went over there by myself on Saturday while he was at work and somehow ended up sobbing in the fetal position in the middle of the bathroom floor with no recollection of how I got there. I can only assume it had something to do with the trauma of cleaning the toilet.) But having Gary with me was like a breath of fresh air. Well, not fresh exactly...more like stale, dusty air with traces of lead paint...but that really couldn't be helped considering where we were.

Anyway, we'd been there for a couple hours and I was nearly done scrubbing the baseboards when Gary walked over to me with an incredulous look on his face and said, "You are not gonna believe this. There's a dude just chilling on our front lawn. Right now. As we speak."

I walked over to the window and sure enough, there was a dude. Just chilling. On our front lawn. (Actually, I guess it's someone else's front lawn now since the "For Rent" sign has been conspicuously removed. Poor souls.) The weird thing was it wasn't even a crackhead as far as I could tell. It was just some guy, probably in his mid-sixties, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, who by the looks of things was just enjoying a mid-Tuesday stroll and decided to take a rest.

I realize at this point I shouldn't be surprised by things of this nature, but somehow I still had trouble processing that this was really happening. For a good ten minutes all I could say was, "Are you kidding me? You're kidding me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

I've been formulating a theory of late that we may be the victims of the most elaborate prank ever played, and at any moment someone's gonna jump out and yell, "GOTCHA! Ohh man, you should have seen your faces!!!" My plan for when this finally happens is to laugh goodheartedly, walk over as if to put my arm around that person's shoulders and then choke them to death.

THE END