Roses Are Red, Violets Have Mastered Time Travel

Thanks to my friend Brittany, I am now obsessed with this website: Suri's Burn Book. DON'T LOOK AT IT YET because you'll never come back to my blog again.

While I was looking at all 37 pages of the site, I noticed something.

Violet Affleck (oldest child of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner) has apparently gotten her hands on a time machine and her future self is masquerading as an accountant named Kayleigh Hudson.

Snipsters

I think I've mentioned before that I have a slight obsession with the Design*Sponge website. I can't afford to do/buy anything on it, but looking at it makes me feel rich and cultured and like I have a clue what's in style.

They do a lot of what they call "sneak peeks" where they take pictures of the homes of people who are actually rich and cultured and can afford to buy real art and custom wallpaper.

Usually, I love these. Even though there seems to be a severe overabundance of fur draped over uncomfortable looking chairs, I think it's interesting to see how people style their houses.

These home tours have been known to elicit a wide range of emotions from me - envy, inspiration, envy, disgust, envy* - but up until yesterday I had yet to come across one that made me feel annoyed.

At first glance, it looks like many of the other houses they've toured, but what makes this one especially aggravating is the text below each photo, which is provided by the owner of the house.

Exhibit A:

I originally saved this screenshot (under the filename snooty hipsters, which was eventually shortened to snipsters to save time) so I could send it to Sarah on account of its being so snooty and hipster-y. But then I scrolled down to Exhibit B and found I couldn't tear myself away.

So what you're saying is you've been putting your sweet old granny to work so you could seem more art-y and cool? It took longer than I expected because she kept on sending me these non-round-beautiful ones and I was like STEP-GRANDMA! WTF? I ONLY WANT THE GOOD ONES! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR BACK HURTS; GET BACK OUT ON THAT PORCH!

Okay, is this chick for real? I wouldn't dream of making a chandelier out of any old paper; oh no. I feel that the fact that I destroyed a work of literature makes it so much deeper and more meaningful. Of course I'll never be able to read that book again, but God knows I'm too busy being fabulous to have time for things like reading anyway.

I couldn't stand to read anymore so I took the liberty of writing my own caption for the next photo.

Oh, this old thing? It's my body. It's made from 100% found materials. Can you believe someone left these perfectly good legs lying around in in a dumpster??? (Naturally it was a vintage dumpster or I never would have considered perusing its contents. New things are just so...yucky.) Each of the hairs on my head were individually plucked from the tail of a different wild horse. (Domesticated horsehair lacks the level of unbridled luster I was looking for. Oh, a pun! I didn't realize! I continue to surprise myself daily with the depth of my own wit.) I took these shoes off a dead hobo and there's an alcoholic leprechaun who lives in the fireplace. He likes to joke that it gets a bit "draft-y" in there. Again with the puns! I kill me.

As if all this wasn't enough to make me hate this girl, here's the final nail in the coffin: a picture of her touching a cat. On purpose.

Here's the link to the full sneak peek in case you're thirsty for more.

*Okay, maybe not that wide a range.

Sadsack

I dropped Gary off at the airport this morning, never to be seen again.

Not really. That's just how it feels.

Today he starts his new job with GeoStabilization, Inc. They do (wait for it) geostabilization (!) meaning they build retaining walls and do various other things to prevent landslides and keep the ground where it's supposed to be. He gets to use lots of fancy equipment and drive big machines around, so I think he's really going to enjoy it.

He'll be on a rotation schedule, meaning he'll work for two to three weeks and then be home for a fraction of that time (approximately one-third) before going out again. His first rotation is a short one, scheduled for just a week and a half in Terry, Montana.

I haven't mentioned anything about it before now because our plans have been constantly changing. It seemed like the moment we thought we knew what we were doing, something would fall through or another opportunity would present itself and demand to be considered. To be honest, it's been emotionally (and financially) exhausting.

We're doing this for several reasons. We're tired of not having any money. Gary needs to finish helicopter school. Someday we'd like to make tiny versions of ourselves and we'd also like it if I could stay home and make faces over their cribs.

Obviously since he's only been gone a few hours, I don't really know yet how I'm going to hold up. I have lots of friends and hobbies, so in theory I should be fine...but I miss him already.

On a lighter (and yet somehow darker) note, I have been debating for several days whether or not I was going to post anything about this on the blog because I have a real fear that announcing on the Internet that I'm going to be home alone (and therefore especially vulnerable to murderers) for large periods of time will result in my untimely death. So if any murderers are reading this, please don't kill me. I'm sad enough as it is.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

So I saw the Hunger Games this weekend, and it was everything I could have hoped for. Actually it was MORE than I could have hoped for because it began with a VERY EXCITING PREVIEW!

They're making a movie out of another one of my favorite books, The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Yeah, yeah, knock her if you want to. Honestly I don't know why people don't give her more of a break. She was just a stay at home mom who happened to write a bestseller.

ANYWAY I unashamedly love this book and I'm really looking forward to seeing the movie adaptation!

Here's the trailer:



And here's the cast (photos courtesy of imdb - the first three are actual stills from the movie):

Saoirse Ronan as Melanie Stryder

Diane Kruger as The Seeker

Max Irons as Jared Howe

Jake Abel as Ian O'Shea

William Hurt as Jeb Stryder

Frances Fisher as Maggie Stryder

Chandler Canterbury as Jamie Stryder

Boyd Holbrook as Kyle O'Shea

If you haven't read it yet, you've got a year. READ IT!

Art Doesn't Always Imitate Life

I'm posting this because I care more about your laughter than my own pride. Apparently.

These are my practice drawings of the dogs for this post from last week. Sarah saw them on my desk this morning and died laughing.



"Special" Brownies

Y'all.

Things got weird last night.

Real weird.

I made some brownies and they were delicious (as brownies usually are) but these brownies had an unusual ingredient.

Wait for it...























It's BEANS!

You use a regular box of brownie mix but instead of adding eggs and oil, you add a can of black beans. Girl scout's honor, you cannot tell the difference.

Click here for a link to the recipe. If you don't believe me, just take a second to look at the comments section, which is what convinced me to try it in the first place.

They are Gary Gray approved...even though it "really freaked him out that they tasted good".

Word to the Wise

(Note: I've never really understood that phrase. Shouldn't it be word from the wise? But I'm sticking with it because this is anything but a word from the wise.)

Sometimes, when you are a woman, you forget your usual afternoon snack of exactly fifty-five goldfish.

You will be sad for a while, but then you will remember that a can of Dr. Pepper is the same number of points as fifty-five goldfish, and this will cause you to run around your office doing a triumphant fist pump because you would rather drink Dr. Pepper than breathe air.

You will drink your Dr. Pepper with panache and pat yourself on the back many times for having successfully outsmarted your restrictive diet.

Several minutes later, however, your enthusiasm will wear off as you begin to feel faintly ill, and eventually you will become aware that you are in grave danger of passing the eff out, right there in your cubicle.

THE END

Foodius Maximus

I've been back on Weight Watchers for a little over a week and I'm happy to report that Sarah and Gary managed to make it through my first few days of food-deprived psychotic episodes relatively unscathed (meaning I never actually reached out and struck either of them. What they could not escape was crying. Good gravy, there was so much crying.*)

Anyway, now that I'm on the saner side of Sears, I thought I'd share some of the better recipes I've been making lately. I think the hardest part about eating healthy is not knowing what to cook, so hopefully these will serve as a nice alternative to rice cakes and huge gusts of wind.

Baja Fish Tacos with Chipotle Lime Slaw (7pts+ for 2 tacos) You guys. These are SO. GOOD. Like seriously, seriously good. AND fast. I really need to thank my parents again for being wonderful enough to buy me a gas grill for my birthday this year, because it has (Chris Traeger voice) *LIT'RALLY* changed my life. THANKS, PARENTS!

Baked Parmesan Garlic Chicken (8 pts+) This was SUPER easy and would be really good on a salad.

Brown Sugar and Balsamic Glazed Pork Loin (6 pts+) This is easily the best thing I've ever made in the crockpot. Since I made this before I was back on the diet, I served it on Sara Lee dinner rolls which are REALLY BAD FOR YOU but oh sooo delicious. I'm borderline obsessed with those rolls.

Chicken Cordon Bleu (7 pts+) I'm not gonna lie to you: this recipe probably won't change your life. But it's still good! Really! I just felt like maybe it needed mustard for some reason. Or some butter. Probably it's butter. Why am I still including it, you ask? Because it's a healthy version of something I love and also because Sarah said it was good and I shouldn't be so hard on my own cooking. So there you go.

Crockpot Hoisin Chicken Wings (13 pts+) Thirteen points is a little on the high end of things I would normally make for dinner, but these would be great for those days when you get home and realize you still have 26 points left because all you've eaten is a turkey sandwich and a pickle. Also hoisin sauce is maybe my favorite food.

Grilled Chicken Stuffed with Basil and Tomato (4 pts+ for a 6 oz chicken breast) FOUR POINTS! That's right! And this was amazing. I actually cheated and marinated the chicken in Kraft Free Zesty Italian dressing for a couple hours, but I'm not even sure it needed it. This would probably also be good with some fresh mozzarella.

Pork Chops with Garlic and Wine (12 pts+) If you enjoy hearing your guests make this sound: mmmmmhgghgghmmhmmhmmm - then you should make this and serve it to them! It is seriously awesome. Eighteen cloves of garlic sounds like a lot, but once you put them in the skillet it doesn't really look like that many. Just make it, OKAY?

Ranch Roasted Red Potatoes (2 pts+) These are delicious and easy and cheap. AND. If you're a freak like me, you can make your own ranch dressing mix instead of buying the packets.

Spicy Honey-Brushed Chicken Thighs (8 pts+) Even though chicken thighs kiiiinda gross me out (it is like impossible to trim all the fat off and have any meat left) these were delicious. And fast. Which are the two things I'm looking for in a dinner.

Anyway, I realize I'm not running a food blog here, but everybody's gotta eat, right? (Oh, you don't eat? Well uh...good for you. Let me know where I can send the flowers.) As for the rest of you, I hope you give these a try. I'll try to post some more good ones every once in a while in hopes that I can save someone from trolling the internet for healthy recipes and ending up making something that sounds really good but will ultimately result in ordering pizza and ruining their diet.

*Mmmm, gravy...

Dogwalker ExtraordiNOT

Gary was busy doing man things all weekend, so I had a lot of time to myself. Saturday afternoon I decided to take the dogs for a walk.

Just in case you're wondering, leashes + harnesses + 100 lbs of dog + iPod + headphones + house key + shoelaces = more than I can handle.

To top it all off, I ran into my really pretty and non-athletically-challenged friend while I was out.

This is an accurate pictorial representation of what I looked like (confirmation of which may be obtained from one Whitney Kroneberger):

Time Flies When You're Writing 400 Blog Posts

You guys.

This.

Is.

My.

FOUR HUNDREDTH BLOG POST!

Who would've thought that this little blog, borne out of sheer boredom back in November of 2008, would live to see it's 400th post-day?

For real though, whether you've been with me from the beginning or are just reading this for the first time - thanks for reading. Even if you've never commented, I know you're there because Blogger tracks pageviews (and secretly I'm stalking all of you) and I've really come to think of all of you as dear friends. It means a lot that you would take time out of your day to read what I wrote.

Websessed

Shout out to Samantha Kelly for introducing me to my new favorite website, http://www.myfitnesspal.com/.

It is awesome. AND FREE!

You put in your weight, age, height and how much weight you want to lose and it tells you how many calories you should eat each day AND lets you track everything you eat.

Basically it's like a free version of the Weight Watchers website without the points (but if you have a points calculator like me, it's really easy to keep following the WW plan. FOR FREE.)

The best part is the recipe section. You can put in all the ingredients and then enter the number of servings and it will tell you the nutrition info per serving.

ANYWAY myfitnesspal is not paying me for this advertisement (unless they feel like it) I just think it's awesome.

Oh No He Di-Ent (Acknowledge My Existence)

There is a phenomenon that sometimes occurs when I am out with my husband which I am at a loss to explain.

Take this afternoon for example: I'm sitting with my husband and one of our guy friends. A third guy approaches and introduces himself to my husband, scans right over my head to introduce himself to our friend, and then goes on with the conversation as if there were not a third person sitting there waiting patiently to be introduced.

I DO NOT GET IT.

Does he not see me? I mean, I know I'm a hair on the short side, but I happen to know that I am also 100% on the opaque side.

Did I forget to take off my invisibility cloak?

Is he afraid of women? Perhaps he was once bitten by a woman and vowed never again to allow one to make eye contact, let alone come near him.

Maybe it's a respect thing! "The woman, she is yours? Upon my honor as a man, I shall not speak to her."

The phrase "male chauvinist pig" continues to come to mind, but as much as I'd like to think that such a walking cliche might exist, I just have a really hard time believing that's what was really going on.

So if any of you men out there feel like manning up a mansplanation for this mansanity, I'd really womanppreciate it.

This Porridge Is Juuuuuust Right

Without further ado, I present my impression of a baby bear.

Dude Looks Like A Baby

I went to Texas for a long weekend to surprise my mom for her birthday. She cried, which means I succeeded.

I posted on Facebook the other day that I discovered my mom had copies of the wedding pictures I thought had been lost forever when we got robbed, but that's not all! This little gem was hiding on the same computer. There's no sound, but you get the idea.