'Tis the Season to Overcompensate

This is today's forecast for Colorado Springs:

Hey, wow, that doesn't look too bad! Maybe this winter's not gonna be so bad after a--

THINK AGAIN, WORTHLESS PEON!

I'm sorry...what?

OH I'M SORRY, I FORGOT I WAS SPEAKING TO A BRAINLESS INFERIOR. EXCEPT NO I DIDN'T BECAUSE EVERYONE IS MY INFERIOR. AND ALSO I'M NOT SORRY.

Uhhh who are you exactly?

I AM DECEMBER. AND STARTING TOMORROW, I AM THE NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN.

Actually we already have a sheriff...his name is Terry.

IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, YOU IGNORANT HALF-WIT.

Wow, you sure are being rude for someone who's interrupting my blog.

THAT'S NOT ALL I'M GOING TO INTERRUPT! HA-HA!

I don't even...what?

I'M GOING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE. NO MORE OF THIS MAMBY-PAMBY LIGHT JACKET WEATHER. I EAT LIGHT JACKETS FOR BREAKFAST.

Oh, do they have a lot of fiber, or...?

Well yes, they do have a great deal of fib-- THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. THE POINT IS I MEAN BUSINESS. AND I'VE GOT THE FORECAST TO PROVE IT!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOOK HOW SCARED YOU ARE NOW!

Well I mean yeah, the high is only two degrees higher than tonight's low...but I wouldn't say I'm scared exactly. Annoyed with a dash of inconvenienced might be a better description.

WHAT? BUT...IT'S SO...SCARY! NO, YOU ARE SCARED. AND AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR REFUSAL TO ADMIT IT, I AM GOING TO PUSH YOU DOWN TOMORROW.

How exactly do you plan to pull that off? You don't even have arms.

I THINK I'LL CALL IN A FAVOR FROM AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE - YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF HIM - HIS NAME IS THE WIND!!!

Man, December, you're kind of a bully. Don't you watch Glee? All the bullies turn out to be gay.

I'M NOT GAY, I ONLY LIKE THE FEMALE MONTHS. APRIL, MAY AND JUNE.

How's that workin' out for ya? Last time I checked, April looked like she was getting pretty cozy with March...

Well the whole cold-skin thing seems to be really in right now thanks to all those vampire movies, so I was hoping with a little hair gel things might start to go my wa---STOP MAKING ME TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS! I AM TOUGH AND I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Alright dude. Do whatever.

I WILL DO WHATEVER! WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU FALL DOWN!

Well the joke's on you, 'cause I fall down all the time on my own, so the effect is kind of lost on me.

...WELL YOU'RE STUPID! AND YOUR BLOG IS STUPID! WHAT AM I EVEN STILL DOING HERE?

*stomp stomp stomp....SLAM!*

(Elapsed time: 30 seconds)

*....creeeeeeeeeak*

Back so soon?

I JUST WANTED TO STATE AGAIN FOR THE RECORD THAT I AM NOT GAY. I LOVE THE FEMALE MONTHS A LOT. MAYBE TOO MUCH IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I...don't. But whatever you say man.

OKAY I'M GLAD WE CLEARED THAT UP. NOW I AM OUT OF HERE FOR REALSIES.

THE END

What I Got (I Said Remember That)

I didn't go out shopping last Friday because I'm not a crazy person, but I did get a few things later in the weekend that I am PRETTY excited about.

First off, THIS GUY:

If you're not impressed, that's just because you can't really tell how BIG IT IS! So for reference, here's a picture of my new GIANT lip smacker next to a regular sized lip smacker:

The other thing I got was ONE HUNDRED PAIRS OF BOOTS!

This just in: Turns out it was only two pairs of boots. But it's still exciting! Mostly because I can never find boots that will fit up over my uh...muscular calves. (It sounds nicer when you say it like it's the muscle that's the problem. We don't like to use the f word around here.)

You know that children's book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? Well I heard they were coming out with a new one called If You Buy a Girl Two Pairs of Boots, She's Gonna Want Some Skinny Jeans So That Her Regular Jeans Don't Bunch Up All Weird.

And that is the story of how I got my first pair of skinny jeans. Am I cool now???

I thought about showing you a picture of the jeans...but then I remembered that it's weird to put pictures of your butt on the Internet.

THE END

THE WAIT IS OVER

Alright guys, I made it past Thanksgiving.

IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME.

Most of you probably already have this saved because most of you probably keep careful records of everything I've ever suggested you listen to on this blog...

...but just in case my delusions of grandeur are a touch off base, I'm happy to share my special Christmas playlist with all of you for the second year in a row! This list has been lovingly and carefully crafted over the past several years, and as much as it pains me to say it, is completely free of Mariah Carey songs. (I love you, early 90's Mariah, but you're just not what we're looking for here. I'll give you a call when I'm working on my "Christmas Songs I Listen to When I'm Positive No One Else Is Around" list.)

So without further ado, here it is: Classy Christmas

Rollin' in the Deep

(Alternate Title: Yeah, I Just Cannot Understand Why I'm Not Losing Weight!)

I made Pioneer Woman's cinnamon rolls last night, and I took some pictures to let you in on the process.

I'd like to begin with a picture of the book responsible for much of my early marriage weight gain. I don't really blame the book so much as that inexplicably thin woman on the front cover. Seriously? Couldn't you at least be a little fat? 

This is half the dough rolled out.

Oh that? That's just two sticks of melted butter. No big.

1/8 cup cinnamon and a cup of sugar (and please keep in mind this is only half the recipe.)

And this is what happens when you roll it up - a river of happiness.

If this makes you sick to your stomach, you're a far better person than I. (Alternately, if you just made that hagghlaggghhl sound à la Homer Simpson, we should hang out sometime, 'cause it seems like we have a lot in common.)

All rolled up and ready to go in the oven! See that stuff in the bottom of the pan? Yeah that's more butter.

BOOM! Roasted.*

I've fondly nicknamed this little concoction "liquid heart attack." It consists of two pounds of powdered sugar, coffee, whole milk and maple flavoring. Oh and BUTTER.

Put it all together and voilà! We're all gonna die of congestive heart failure!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!

*Okay they're not really roasted - they're baked - but I was trying to make a reference to The Office and I...I panicked! I can see now that it was a mistake.

Reasons Why I'm Dying. Probably. Not.

This weekend Gary and I went out to a top secret camp in the mountains whose name I'm not allowed to mention with our friends Brit and Hailey to help out. Gary was running sound and I got to help lead 600 kids in singing Katy Perry and Justin Bieber songs.

The weekend was pretty hectic so we spent most of it running around like crazy. Little known statistic about running around like crazy in the mountains: One out of four people in your group will fall down. Three times. (The locals will tell you that a good way to increase your chances of staying upright is to make sure that Emily Gray is one of the four people in your group.)

I feel like I should mention that there was a blizzard while we were there, which kind of explains why I fell down so much. (What it does not explain is how my three companions managed to avoid it...but I'm pretty sure I heard they were all part mountain goat. That's weird, you guys.)

Here's a quick rundown of the weekends events:

FRIDAY
7:00pm Arrive at camp. Stay standing up because there's relatively little snow on the ground.
10:15pm Fist pump with 600 kids for an hour
11:45pm Leave for the house where we're staying, which is reportedly a twenty-minute drive.
12:30am Arrive at the house. Blame the roads.

SATURDAY
6:00am Wake up to a blizzard.
7:00am Begin the twenty-minute drive back to camp in the blizzard.
7:45am Arrive at camp. (Seriously, are there ANY street signs in this town???) Immediately lose Hailey's keys in the blizzard.
8:00am Find Hailey's keys. Shake my fist the frozen stump where my hand used to be at the blizzard.
8:30am Fall down with surprising grace and try to play it off like it was on purpose.
8:31am Hailey tries to play it off like she believes me.
12:30pm Fall down again, this time with little to no grace whatsoever.
5:00pm Find out that four kids have gotten concussions from falling down; feel strangely upstaged.
7:30pm Rap in front of 600 people. No big.
7:31pm Decide that from now on I will respond exclusively to the name Lil' Luda.
9:30pm Convince the folks at camp to let us stay there so we don't die in the blizzard trying to get back to the other house.
10:45pm Brush my teeth with my finger because all our stuff is at the other house.
10:50pm Catch Gary using Brit's toothbrush.*

SUNDAY
8am-12pm Walk around in a sleep-deprived haze. Fall down. Probably.
12:30pm WITNESS THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER and capture a very blurry version of it on my camera. (Just watch the first 10 seconds or so if you're one of those weirdos who doesn't enjoy motion sickness.)

And now, inexplicably, I seem to have come down with a sore throat and the beginnings of a cold. Weird, right?

*Just kidding, Brit. Or am I???

Hey, What's This in the Weeds?

Things are a little bit crazy this morning, so instead of writing a real post, I've decided to let you all in on YouTube's best kept secret: Guy on a Buffalo.

You're welcome.

Episode 1:



Episode 2:



Finale Part 1 (Hey! It's just like Twilight!):



Finale Part 2:



Tune in tomorrow for a spirited retelling of my adventures in the mountains this weekend. (SPOILER ALERT: It involves me falling down a lot.)

I Guess You Had To Be There

On our way home from work yesterday, Sarah and I had a conversation that went a little something like this:

Sarah: Welp, I told Tina about my secret fear today.
Me: You mean your fear of being pantsed?
Sarah: N-No! Not that one!

And then we laughed for an hour.

THE END

Thoughts on Cancelling Plans

I love it.

THE END

I want so badly to just leave it at that without elaborating...but that just wouldn't make for a very interesting blog post.

The way I see it, cancelling plans is kind of like stealing time. Suddenly this block of your day that you had set aside for some obligation or another is open for doing WHATEVER YOU WANT! (Usually if you're me, "whatever you want" is code for "taking a nap", but to each his own.)

The obligation doesn't even have to be something unenjoyable for me to be excited that it's cancelled. As much as I love hanging out with my friends - and I hesitate to say this for fear that people will think I have some sort of social disorder - I love sleeping more. THERE. I SAID IT. I'D RATHER TAKE A NAP THAN HANG OUT WITH YOU. (Oh, except for you of course! You know I love you more than sleep. I'm just talking about all those other people who aren't as fun as sleeping.)

Now what I'm not saying is that I would cancel plans myself just so I could have some free stolen time. It doesn't work that way, because instead of enjoying myself (read: taking a nap) I'd just spend the whole time feeling guilty and wondering if the person I bailed on hates me. (Actually I guess that should say "wondering to what degree the person I bailed on hates me" because I'm usually pretty convinced they hate me at least a little bit. The question at hand is whether it's something they could get over in a reasonably short amount of time or if it's the kind of thing that might cause them to call me fat on the Internet.)

What I am saying is that if you ever have to cancel our plans, I'll be totally okay with it. For example, Leah and I were supposed to do the Jack Quinn's run on Tuesday but she couldn't make it because she needed to get ready to leave for a trip the next day. She called to apologize, which was super nice but also suuuper unnecessary because of a little widely known fact about Emily Gray: the only thing I love more than cancelling plans is cancelling plans that involve exercising.

Colorado Springs A-Lo-Go

This is the logo and tagline for Colorado Springs (with a watermark because I'm too lazy to contact CVB for the actual files):

And this is the promo video* that goes along with it:

I imagine that right now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Wow, self, those desperately need to be updated."

Well are you sitting down? 'CAUSE THEY WERE JUST UPDATED.

These were released on November 14, 2011, or as I like to call it, TWO DAYS AGO.

The unveiling has sparked a great deal of controversy - and rightfully so, considering the Colorado Springs Convention and Visitors Bureau spent a whopping $111,000 to have them designed.

Here are a few of my favorite FB reactions:

"1993 called. They want their logo back."

"I would have only charged $110,000 to design that logo."

"Was that video marketing this town as a retirement destination or a camp for people with mono?"

I hate to play the devil's advocate here, but I kinda think they hit the nail on the head with this one. I've been saying that this town was stuck in the 90's for years. And here's the proof! (Alright, that post is dated July of 2010...but still. I've been saying it for year.)

As for the painfully generic tagline, I sincerely hope they were just trying to be punny, as in, "Live it up! Get it?!? UP?! 'Cause Colorado Springs is over a mile above sea level???" But my doubts far outweigh my hopes. 

*Now I'm not even going to talk about the inexplicable river-rafting scene around the 2:29 mark ('cause last time I checked there weren't any rapids running through the Springs) or the fact that half of this video actually takes place in Manitou Springs; but yes I am. I'm also going to throw out a big ol' WTF to the lady at 1:23 who, referring to Seven Falls, says, "It's like New York City, but this is all nature." IT IS NOTHING LIKE NEW YORK CITY. WHAT ON EARTH WOULD CAUSE YOU TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THA-- oh wait. I forgot. You live in Colorado Springs, so your brain has likely been addled by the excessive use of methamphetamine. (At what point does the use of methamphetamine become "excessive"? You be the judge.)

It Ain't My Fault (Did I Do That?)

Man, you know those times when you get a voicemail from some old man congratulating you on "pulling off a smooth con job" by knowingly selling him a pickup truck with a faulty transmission (for a price equal to the sum of his life savings, meaning he can't afford to get it fixed) and you feel really, really bad about it even though you've never sold anyone a pickup truck in your life and and you're not sure how he ended up with your number in the first place, and then he ends the voicemail by telling you he "hopes God blesses you mightily" for the way you've treated him and you're confused as to what he means but suspect that's just his sarcassive-aggressive way of telling you to go to hell?

Those times are the worst.

I'd call him back to clear things up but I'm afraid he'd just call me a liar some more.

Blehhhhhh.

WATCH IT, BUDDY!

No, seriously. Watch it. Right now. BECAUSE IT'S AMAZING.

Weak Week

Oh my gosh yall! WHERE HAVE I BEEN???

Where HAVEN'T I been is more like it! (And the answer is anywhere but asleep on my couch.)

Blame it on the goose, got you feelin loose; blame it on the 'tron, got you in the zone; or better yet, blame it on the fact that I was running around in the snow with 500 high (ly contagious) schoolers last weekend during the height of stomach flu season.

I ended up missing two days of work. (Well, two days minus the 25 minutes I tried to come in on Tuesday before I was chased out of the building by my cross-wielding coworkers.) Despite being sick, I always secretly love the first day of staying home - you get to lay around; nobody expects you to do any housework; you get to ask your husband to fetch your water glass even though it's less than three feet from where you're sitting - it's awesome.

But for some reason, as soon as you venture into a second day at home, the magic dies. It seems no matter what you do, you're either freezing or burning up; you'd swear you've started to develop bed sores from sleeping so much; you're bored out of your mind and yet you can't bring yourself to put in a movie because a) that would require walking across the room and b) you have serious doubts as to whether you have the strength to keep your head up long enough to finish watching it.

Oh and then there's the fact that the fluffier* of your two dogs thinks the best way to make you feel better when you have a stomach ache is to distract you by jumping on your stomach! (Hey, he's a dog; cut him some slack. Also he's an idiot.)

THE END

*I think we both know I really mean fatter.

Pumped Up Kicks

I got some new shoes!

This is what they looked like in the store!*

This is what they look like when I walk!

This is what they look like when I run!**

This is what they look like when I scale walls!

This is what they look like when I'm at work!

This is what they look like when I'm delivering a roundhouse kick to Sarah's face!

*Of COURSE I didn't pay $74.99 for these. What do I look like?! I had a 30% off coupon! AND my job is awesome so I'll get reimbursed for them since they qualify as "health equipment" which means I'll really only end up paying whatever the tax is on 70% of $74.99. I don't know, you figure it out. All this frugality is making my brain hurt.

**GOTCHA! That's the same picture of what they look like when I walk, because I DON'T RUN EVER.

Funny in a Not-ish Kinda Way

Last night when I got home from work, I was greeted at the door by both my dogs. Without fail, whenever this happens, my reaction is always the same:

"WHY ARE YOU IN HERE? WHY ARE YOU IN HERE? WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?"

I'd show you a picture of how my kitchen looked, but it would pretty much be a carbon copy of the picture I showed you at the end of this post less than a week ago, and for some reason I find I have some kind of moral objection to posting two pictures of my own garbage in one week.

If you're thinking I'm an idiot, hold your horses, because while you may indeed be correct, it's not for the reason you think. I did not leave the dogs inside again, but that didn't really matter because it would appear that when Bravo wants inside, he is like a freight train and no amount of locked doggy doors are going to derail him.

What I should have taken a picture of was the rectangular hole in the bottom half of our back door, because in hindsight it's kind of amusing, but I was too busy sobbing and getting glass shards imbedded into my fingertips to appreciate the humor in the moment. (Sidenote: The rapidity with which something so tiny can draw so much blood never ceases to amaze me.)

The person you should pity most in this situation is actually Gary, because although he wasn't there to help me pick up the enormous pile of potato peelings (which was way more disgusting than you might imagine after having spent several days fermenting at the bottom of the trash can) with my bare hands, he was tasked with the rather less enjoyable burden of picking up the pieces of my shattered psyche.

I've been pretty much continuously stressed out for the past month or so, so it really doesn't take much to send me into an ugly-faced crying pit of despair. I gotta hand it to Gary though; he's got his crazy-wife response plan down pat. Within an hour of my whimpering, hiccup-ridden phone call to tell him what happened, he arrived home with flowers and pizza with bacon on it. (The bacon was just on the pizza...not the flowers...although, now that you mention it, HOW GOOD would those smell? Eh? Eh? Eh?)

Internal Struggle

Trying...not...to listen...to CHRISTMAS MUSIC!

But look outside!!!

But it's November!

But there's snow!

We still have Halloween candy!

Snow...snow...snow...snow SNOWWWWWW

STOP IT!!! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

It won't be long before we'll all be there with snowwwwwww (snow-owwwww)

I'm warning you...

I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snowwwwww

*KARATE CHOP*

Ow!!! Why would you do that to me!

Sorry...I've always wanted to karate chop someone, and I can't do it in real life, so...

I think you broke my nose.

It won't be long before we'll all be there with nose (nooooo-ose)

Funny.

I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with nose

That's pretty insensitive, you know.

I nose. I mean I know.

HAPPY SNOWVEMBER, EVERYBODY!

I'm Gon' Survive (WHAT) Keep On Survivin' (WHAT)

Last Friday, Michelle and Derek (my cousin and her boyfriend who are TOTALLY going to move here now...mostly because Gary fed them ribs) decided to do the incline. I distinctly remember telling them to have a great time and call me when they were done, but then somehow instead of taking a long nap while they were gone as planned, I ended up going with them. I honestly don't know how it happened; climbing a thousand stairs up the side of a mountain REALLY doesn't seem like something I would do on purpose. I think they might have drugged me.

ANYWAY the point is, not only did I do it; I SURVIVED! And here are some pictures to prove it.

This is the beginning of the incline. I was already out of breath at this point from the steep walk up the parking lot. 

This is the no trespassing sign, because technically it's illegal to hike the incline...probably for insurance reasons since there are SO MANY WAYS YOU COULD DIE.

This is what I looked like about every fifteen seconds as I was faced with how much farther we had to go/my own humanity. 

One of many breaks. I think Michelle deserves some sort of patience merit badge. LOVEYOUMICHELLE.

Oh look, it's me. Taking a break. Again.

One time Derek took a break! But it was really just to take this picture.

And this was my reward. Well, this, and an ice cream cone from Josh & John's once we got back into town.